Suicidal

Okay so my mom is a strict woman, like she's cool sometimes yet strict, she used to beat my siblings when they were young and that got to me too but I got less than them because I look way too weak. Now there's more than a decade of age gap between me and my siblings. So as they are now an adult they don't get beating or scolding even.

I've been suicidal since 8th grade and it isn't any better now and it's not even just because of the beating.

I used to come first place during junior school but my mom never appreciated me. There was this time in 8th grade when my cousin who was really rude used to tutor me and at some point I got really annoyed and didn't answer her questions, she had a very dominating behaviour, my mom came and she started beating me in front of everyone.

When I was in eleventh grade I came home late after my friends birthday party and my mom got mad, thankfully she didn't beat me much but the next day my brother was going out and he asked me something, I answered, but probably didn't hear it and got annoyed which annoyed me too so I stopped answering him when my mom came again and she started beating me for not listening to my brother. I came for the 4th in class exam but she started comparing me with my cousin who came 2nd in the same class, when I told my family about it my mom got even more mad at me and came with a stick. I've had many beatings but it doesn't hurt me, what hurts me is that she never listens to me. She's always listening to my siblings. She doesn't even give me a chance. once my sister started teasing me by hitting me, I mean yeah okay it's normal in siblings but I told her to stop because it was hurting me, she didn't stop, I slapped her once and then she got mad and she fought with me, but obviously my mom took her side because she's the elder one and I should respect her.

The worst one I've got was when I was 18. My family had come from a long trip and everyone was really tired and I told them let's just make something simple because no one has energy to do anything but no, my sister wanted to eat something else. I got annoyed obviously because everyone is tired we can eat better food in the morning but no, so I told her I won't help her make dinner, but I always feel guilty so when I went to help she pushed me out of the kitchen so I went to my room. My mom asked if she needed help (she never ever asks me if I need help making dinner or anything) she started complaining about me to mom. My mom dragged me out and started slapping me and hitting me with a bamboo stick. Once again she didn't listen to me. What she said next will forever haunt me, she said "Why do I have to look after an ungrateful bitch like you. All my money is going to waste looking after you. Should I smash your head on the floor? Tell me? That way I'd be free from all this"

I'll never forget and forgive her for those words. Never.

She used to tell me that I don't do well academically and that she'll just marry me off to someone random.

I made my first boyfriend in 11th grade. When my brother found out he told my mom and she started scolding me threatening to push a rod in my vagina if I was this excited to make a partner.

My sister had made so many boyfriends during her school and even later but my mom never said anything to her, more over she compliments her saying that she's really good at manipulating men.

I don't even know what to do, I just want to die but I'm too scared. I wish I'll gain strength to die one day...