Struggling to know what's healthy

Hi everyone, into our 8th month of reconciliation. For some background, my affair was four years ago with an ex. It was very brief, and I haven't seen them in over three years. A friend I confided in told their spouse who wanted to tell mine, so I told them myself.

My BS wanted reconciliation immediately, we have never spent any time apart, we have loved each other throughout and have remained intimate. My BS was and still is utterly heartbroken. They have done therapy, we did couples therapy as well but it was too much for them so we stopped. They are starting EMDR therapy in a couple of weeks. I did therapy after I had the affair but before I told my BS.

We love each other dearly, I never stopped loving my spouse even during the affair which made the whole thing even more devastating, if that's possible. We are now 8 months in and have good days, but their pain is getting too much for me to bare. They cry every day, they feel humiliated, they are confused. They ask me the same questions every day. They tell me how much it hurts every day. They say they just don't believe its true or that I could do it, every day. They send me long, emotional texts, several times a day. They are desperate to get over it, but stuck. They are trying to make sense of it, and can't, and I think its become a fixation. I think we need to limit how often we talk about it. It is all we talk about, and I think its become a bad habit that we need to break.

How often were you/are you speaking about it 8 months out? I cannot stress how much we talk about it. There is no break. I am close to breaking. My heart is broken, as is theirs.

Perspectives welcome.