I dont see a future where I dont kill myself

Yes whatever im young have whatever opportunities infront of me but I honestly cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I dont want to take medication to be able to function, nor do I want to always be weary about what other people could do to me because of my gender or skin colour. It just hit me that I seriously have no money for university. I accelerated through dual enrollment courses so that I could be eligible for a certain class at my school, I got an internship, got into the hardest class at my school, I pushed through so hard anf did so fucking much but actually not enough I guess because while all my classmates are going to duke, jhu, princeton, mit whatever. And I might have to go to community college cause I can’t afford schools I got into and because I mostly applied to public schools my -1500 sai score doesnt mean anything. It just feels like the straw that broke the camels back.

I have no more energy to try and push because thats all ive ever done. Its like theres always something I shouldve done earlier, I dont see any reason or point in anything. And I know this sounds like “permanent solution to temporary problem “ (if anyone says that ffs) but I’ve honestly felt like this for most of my life. Im going to be “poc” forever, female forever, look the way I do forever, have the brain I have forever. The state of my country is bleak, the state of the world is bleak. Even if I move, racism is everywhere and people love to deny it. I don’t want to continue with this life, I’ve disappointed everyone in my life and im honestly just a shit person to be around. But Im too much of a coward to do anything. I wish I had the courage to do it this weekend but unfortunately I live with other people so its kind of a shitty thing to do I feel. This just sounds like all the other posts on this subreddit so why would anyone give a damn, my problems are so tiny, so unimportant. I have no reason to feel like this, but I do, and it leaves for some moments, but it’s always there and it eventually comes back. im going to take the easy way out, maybe not today but someday.