Beautiful charcuterie for my roommate and I

3:30 am, can’t sleep but exhausted, nauseous, barely ate all day. I know what’s coming too, the cold sweats, headaches and nightmares. This is my second time quitting. How did I forget how bad these withdrawals are? 

Weed is like my toxic ex boyfriend. He fucks me so good. He gaslights me into believing I can keep things casual after no contact and then sucks me back into codependency. He encourages lazy, dirty habits and coddles me when I try and take action. He isolates me inside the house and makes me believe the public is judging me. He makes it seem totally normal to cycle through getting high, binge eating and porn during any free time I have. He hates to see me posting on social media, which I love, and tells me to delete everything immediately because it’s humiliating. But at the same time he makes me doom scroll for hours and hours everyday. He will literally deliver himself to my doorstep if I start missing him a tiny bit. He takes my money and burns it up or just throws it away like a psycho. I hate him, but he’s all I have known since I was 13.

I’m 21 now and I know things have to change. I still just want to wrap his arms around me and rock me to sleep just like every night for the past decade. He was always there for me. He made me laugh until my belly hurt and was apart of the most fun memories of my life. Even if I was going through the hardest time, I would always feel reassured that I have an escape with him. If I was feeling bad, all I had to do was look next to me and he was there, telling me to relax and think about something else. Teenager me loved him and needed him. Now I’m an adult and healing from everything that brought him into my life. 

I don’t need to be in fight, flight or fawn mode anymore. I’m safe now and I need to know who I am without his influence. I’m excited to get to know myself. I wonder if I’ll actually be able to make a quick decision at the store or stop forgetting what I just said a second ago or put some money aside for a nice vacation. Life without weed seems daunting but doable. I deserve better in life and I’m going to get it. 

Weed is my toxic ex boyfriend