I feel terrible about it its haunting me

so i dont like my dad sometimes i fantasize him being dead sure we have some nice memories but i can't but i guess i did see him try to stab my mom 2 times but thats not the issue for me it's narcissistic behavior everything hood i do is good to him but not enough but hes opinion about him he is never wrong i feel horrible i just think im a horrible person for not liking him does anyone have advice for me i feel terrible