SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT MY ARMS IN A STRAITJACKET. Don't I have anything better to do?

I would say I actually have pretty good control of my tendency toward shopping addiction and can handle it financially. It got really, really horrible during the pandemic but I learned from that "rock bottom".

The problem with shopping addiction for me is not debt. It's clutter. Never got to hoarder house level but there was a time my room looked like a supply depot and my closets were packed full of clothes I bought online at unreasonable prices and then never worse. There are 6 vacuum-sealed bags of clothing I bought during the peak of my addiction in the basement of a student house I don't live in! And I'm not going to go back for them. I find myself hoping the students who live there will enjoy the treasure trove, but I feel a lot of guilt because really I'm just littering and maybe they're waiting for whoever left that stuff there to come back and claim it. Not all of that stuff is silly. Some of it is beautiful stuff (albeit not really my size) that belonged to my mother in her life before me. I feel guilty for leaving that behind... I'm moving soon so this might be my last chance to go back for it. But I just don't want to deal with that.

As stated previously, I'm going to be moving at the end of the month... I've been pretty good about taking lots of stuff I barely ever wear to the thrift shop, even selling a lot of it online (for ridiculously low prices just to get rid of it fast). I'm pretty good at sitting on things in my cart now and only pulling the trigger if I can recognize, from experience, that what I'm buying is something I have a high likelihood of wearing in the immediate future. Not for a special event that never happens, not for an imaginary career change, but literally just things I'm likely to put on and start wearing on repeat as soon as they arrive in the mail. I'm so happy I've gotten to that point!

But still. Don't I have anything better to do than peruse online stores or scroll Temu...? I could go take a walk. But I live in the city in-between dozens and dozens of amazing shops that sell a wonderful assortment of all my favourite things. What do I do on my walk? What makes my walk fun for me? If I don't have a reason to go to the grocery store (which is an insanely pleasurable experience for me rather than a chore I avoid), the main objective of my walk is going to be visiting the damn shops and trying on clothes!! Usually I don't buy anything. But I just hate being like this. I feel so... silly.

I could do my homework... but what do I want to do once my homework is taken care of? Take a wild guess!!

My hours are spent thinking things like: I'd love to have a cream-coloured openwork long-sleeve top. I used to have just such a top and I loved it. Let me Google what's available at all the various brands... oh, that one is too expensive. That one's polyester. That one hasn't got the right neckline. That one is nice. Add to cart. Ugh, online shopping is bad, I should go try that one on in person. Usually then unless it's something perfect I don't try it on in person, I just forget I ever wanted it. And it's great that I got to that point where I'm mostly just adding to cart and forgetting about it! But I still spend like at least an hour every day, sometimes 2 or 3, aimlessly online window-shopping instead of using my brain for anything that makes me feel good about myself. And I haven't yet found something that I'm motivated to do more immediately than shopping, that doesn't involve shopping in any way.

I wanted a pair of sneakers. I spent over a year online-shopping and browsing various sneakers and refusing to buy any of them until I found a pair I was confident I'd be wearing the next day once it came in the mail. Which is great considering my past habits! But that's still so many freaking hours spent looking at shoes online and in-person!!

It really makes me feel guilty when I think of the average income of a human being worldwide. How a human being who has experienced true scarcity would treasure the money I spend on a pair of shoes. Even if it's a pair of shoes I need! My husband grew up in a poorer country and he has a totally different attitude toward shopping. He rarely acquires any new clothing, takes meticulous care of everything he owns, and doesn't consider buying a replacement until something is well and truly worn out. When he has to buy something (buying clothes is not a pleasure for him) he spends hours comparing products to ensure he never spends too much money on anything.

I see something cute and I want it and I feel confident I could start wearing it tomorrow and I can afford it so why not!

I just wish I could scrub the love of shopping from my mind. It's something I am ashamed of. Isn't there anything better to do with my brain? Isn't there some more virtuous way of satisfying my boredom, stress, et cetera?

Thanks for reading.