I will never be able to make my life better

Been depressed as far back as I can remember. I’m on meds, but I’ve been on them so long they don’t work anymore. Every time I try to pull myself out of that depression “pit”, I just fall right back in again at the slightest setback.

I’m a caretaker for a family member. She needs lots of help and I will not give up on her, but I’ve been doing this for so long that I’m nothing outside of it. I don’t work, I lost all contact with my friends during the pandemic and haven’t found new ones, I live in a shithole, I hate the other family I’m forced to be around, haven’t had a partner in years, I have no real hobbies, I’m socially awkward as fuck, I have no support system, etc. I’m too old to fix all of the poor decisions I’ve made and I’m stuck like this now.

Generally, I’m just kind of a pathetic person, and I have no clue when I became that way. It feels like it snuck up on me, but I know I’ve been contributing to my own downfall without realizing the damage for YEARS now.

I know it’s fucked up, but the only way I can get through the days lately is by repeatedly telling myself that my needs don’t matter. If I believe I was put on this earth solely to take care of others, it takes me out of my mind long enough to stop feeling sorry for myself. The only thing that sucks is I don’t take care of myself at all anymore because of this mentality, which makes me hate myself even more. It all feels like a vicious cycle that I will never claw my way out of.