i lost interest in trying to have friends

the title explains it all. i have heard it's one of the symptoms but I'm not sure. anyways, these days i've been thinking about it and the truth is i don't even want to have friends, it's like i'm not made for it.

I'm just too difficult to handle as a friend, as a partner, as a daughter, as a sister, everything. I'm not constant in any thing. one moment I'm okay and the other i hate the person I'm talking to.

I'm jealous when one of my friends or favorite person has other friends, like incredibly jealous. i feel constantly betrayed and this feeling just makes me want to dissociate from everyone.

the thing is, i lost all interest. i like being alone, i'm literally the only person that can understand me.

the only relationship i crave is a romantic relationship. nothing else. and that's how i always felt since i was a kid. does anyone else feel this way? like i put love above everything else, even if i ruin every relationship because of my BPD. i just want love, idgaf about friends and i actually never cared. i feel kind of broken but i also don't care.

everyone puts friendship on a pedestal while i put love and obsessing over someone on a pedestal. it's so alienating. my friendships were never normal bc i just ended up obsessing over my friends.