Looking for SOME kind of method for dealing with dissociation?

Just heads up, I have NO idea why this splitting off happens. Does anybody else deal with extreme dissociation? Some days I will have so much to process, like so much disgust towards men (etc) that its like waking up to awareness of a nightmare all over again. This feels like processing the shit all over again. But it is processed at snails pace. It never goes anywhere. It never becomes integrated with my other half. (making peace with it) (To be honest I dont see how it can)

And then i go back to sleep (contentedness) because i tend to dissociate from it and everything. I'll go focus on work and what makes me happy. But I will always be flung back in because like hell, who the hell can focus with dissociating tendencies. All I want to do is integrate these two halves but its really hard. It makes me get dragged down hard.

This always happens to me and I'm sick of it. My awareness is too layered and nuanced, i cannot tolerate men. I'm really good at being two people, but I always come back and wake up to it. It makes it so i feel like i live with my breaks on, in detachment from everything, myself, the world. My dissociation is so bad. I can never find a happy medium, I'm either dissociating or I'm experiencing extreme disgust and dread at too much, im too aware. I'd like to permanantly detach from this plague in my head, but i dont know how to. Yes I've been to therapists, many therapists and they've been pretty much useless. (It honestly feels like talking to a wall whenever i go to one.)

Before I had issues with feeling i belonged anywhere for the extreme thoughts, also guilt. Because when i return to disociating i return to being tolerant and cheerful like everythings peachy. And then i'm back to pure disgust and yoyoing between extremes. And yet *this* is the thing that makes *ME* demonic? I'M the person who's the enemy because *I'M* the one who's got to dissociate and process shit?!!!! And so I become further disgusted and retreat from everything and everybody. I isolate and stop trying to rely on people it just feels like bargaining with the devil to do so.

Does anyone here experienced anything similar? I have battled this all my life, im just tired of it. I don't know how to say what i need to without making people irrationally angry. I feel like i live in a vacuum and have to make do living in one. I'm really sick of being numb. ;(