My last letter to you

Dear Bob part III,

This is my last letter to you, my final act of love.

Over the years, I have wrote you all kind of letters. Explaining and over explaining myself.

I wrote you all the ways I loved you. And all the ways I hated you.

The way your existence felt like a miracle to me. It was a miracle I encountered you from the billions of people. You looked on the outside exactly how my soul felt on the inside.

You blew my mind, you blew me open. My heart, a bloody spray of confetti of love and grief. You closed my heart ten thousand times, you opened it ten thousand times.

At first, I loved you fearfully and distantly. I felt I trespassed a secret realm of gods and fairies when I laid my eyes on you. I felt too human, too animal to be your equal. I ran and ran and ran.

Years passed, and I started to love you closer to the Earth. I saw your humanity, your contradictions, your little ails and inconsistencies that brought you closer than ever to me. Here is where I loved you best. Here is where the music and the art flowed between our souls unencumbered by expectations and standards and hierarchies. Here love was free.

Years passed and your silence turned my love sour. You soul turned cold, mine turned away. Or tried too. So cold, so cold that the memory of it still makes me shiver. I couldn't melt your frozen heart. Oh but how I tried to. I died and gave birth to myself again and again, every new me came back to you. I simply wished for you to love me back. That was all. I went to the end of myself, went down in hell and up to heaven, became a full woman and discarded the little girl blue.

And still, I waited and I waited for you.

But memories started to fade. Love gradually changed its course. It stopped overspilling, it stopped looking in your direction. It looked back at me in wonder to discover that I was there at all. It saw this empty space and, with immense relief and joy started to fill it in. Homecoming at last.

The rest is history.

I sometimes remember you fondly, this incredible guy with soulful eyes and music in his heart.

I sometimes remember you with wonder, our encounter was like a volcano eruption, an earth shattering event, a destined meeting with my soul incarnated.There is a me before I looked into your eyes, and a me after. One split second, and I lost that version of myself forever. When I die, if there's anything out there, they'll split my life in Before Bob, After Bob. The greatest catalyst of my life.

I sometimes remember you in resentment and disgust at your lack of empathy and humanity. In those memories I hate you. Such coldness surely belongs in hell, who said hell is hot? Because if it is, you are worse than the devil.

And sometimes I don't remember you at all.

Throughout all these years, one thing is crystal clear. You have been the most important person in my life. I have loved and hated you equally. Thank you for existing. I will always love you and hate you just a little. I will carry these truths quietly, in my heart, until the end.

I wish you so much joy. I wish you to suffer too. I pray your path is blessed. I pray your cold heart gets hurt and thaws and feels. Perhaps 10 years from now out of nowhere, as you find yourself hopelessly vulnerable, you'll feel this immense wall of longing, pain, love and grief hitting you out of nowhere, and you'll know it was me. It was me.

Goodbye Bob.