Pain/Grief is not a competition

I lost my dad three months ago. I live 3000km away from my family. Even though our relationship was complicated, I loved him… he was my dad. Being there at the end was deeply traumatic for me. I left everything behind, flew back home, spent his last weeks with him, and the last words he said to me were to “fuck off.” I’m still trying to process all of that. I didn’t get any closure, and it’s been incredibly heavy to carry.

Since then, I feel like I’ve been losing people left and right and I no longer count: Some colleagues act like nothing ever happened. Someone I considered a friend told me, “If you had asked for comfort, I would have been there,” even though she only sent one condolence message and then disappeared... only to come back later to congratulate me on a publication I hadn’t even had the energy to talk about. That really hurt, and I chose to walk away from that friendship.

This past weekend was supposed to be a break, a girls’ weekend I had been looking forward to for a long time. We planned to relax, enjoy nature, laugh, disconnect. One friend canceled last minute, which I understand, things happen. But then she spent the entire weekend messaging us nonstop—hundreds of messages—venting, spiraling about work, and taking up so much emotional space despite not being there.

It got to the point where, on Saturday night, she threatened to end her life while we were all sitting at dinner. We had to stop everything, contact her partner, look for emergency psychiatric help… it completely took over the weekend. I broke down, and so did the others. It felt like something I desperately needed (a moment to breathe) was taken away from us.

The next day, we tried to salvage what we could, but I realized I couldn’t continue that friendship. I was the only one who spoke up and said that this wasn’t okay, that we all needed that time to disconnect, and she had chosen not to come but still consumed all the space. Since then, she’s been telling others that I’m mean, and that none of this is her fault because she’s depressed from work.

I understand that people struggle. I really do. But pain is not a competition. Grief is not a competition. I would never claim that I’m suffering more than anyone else. And yet, I feel like my pain has been dismissed again and again.

In the past three months, I’ve had to distance myself from several people, and it’s been incredibly lonely. I am exhausted and I miss my family and my father may he rest in peace.