Need Messy Breakup Advice

Kind of a long one, thanks in advance for reading!

I (26F) have been in a relationship with him (28M) for 6 years. We’ve been best friends for 10. We’ve been through a lot together. When we first got together, things were great for a really long time, even after the honeymoon phase ended. I still feel like he’s the “one for me” (whatever that means.) But things have been deteriorating.

He used to say that getting me off was his favorite thing ever. Then he slowly stopped initiating at all. He got laid off last April. I’ve been burnt out at my job for a long time, but have stayed in it because the money is good and I needed to support us (and our dog). He told me he had job connections in another state, so for months we were in this limbo as he wasn’t making much headway with the connections.

Then, about 6 months ago, he confessed and told me that while I’m at work, he was looking at/paying for OnlyFans content of women in larger bodies. For reference, I am not plus-sized. He said he hated what he did and wants to stop and work on things with us. I asked if he ever messaged girls personally, and he said no. I told him he needs to find us a couple’s therapist and initiate sex again with me, both things he never did. However, every day he would tell me he had no desire to look at those things anymore.

2 weeks ago, I came home from work and he was drunk and crying. He said he didn’t think things would work out and his gut was telling him to leave, but he didn’t want to because he loves and cares about me. He passed out drunk and (I’m not proud of this) I looked through his phone. He had signed up for a plus-size dating service the day before breaking up with me. I looked at his profile, and he had messaged a few girls back in 2025. So he either lied about it or forgot. We had a long talk and ultimately we both agreed he should leave to work on himself, so he did.

We have kept in contact ever since he left. He says he misses me and wants to come back within 6 months. I am so torn, I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels that if he cheated before, he’ll cheat again, and that he’s proven he won’t change. Taking him back would be accepting and forgiving what he did. I’m not sure if my self esteem can handle always questioning if he’s looking at that stuff again. The other part of me feels he’s my person and we can work through anything. I can’t picture my life with anyone else. It’s really really hard to accept that we might be over forever. Is all hope lost? Can we work things out?

Any and all advice is welcome! Thank you for reading this!