I’m still angry about what happened to me in high school.

Hi all, this is my (F20) first time posting. I think I just need somewhere else to put this, instead of driving myself crazy over something that happened almost 4 years ago. Mostly because I was a vulnerable teenager who lost all my friends and had no support through any of it, and I still have no closure.  

Trigger warning for false sexual assault accusations.

For context, I considered “Lydia” my best friend, since 7^(th) grade. I also dated my ex, “Jacob,” from 8^(th) grade, for about 2 years. It was my first serious relationship, and when we broke up, I took it pretty badly, especially being 15 and still trying to stay friends with him.

When Jacob and I were dating, I was already uncomfortable with how close he and Lydia were. They spent a lot of time alone together, being friends outside of knowing me, and I know they even cuddled. I was pretty jealous, especially given that I wasn’t even allowed to hang out with anyone outside of school (super strict parents).

Looking back, Lydia also had a habit of crossing my boundaries in ways I didn’t fully process at the time. I remember one time I slept over at her house while she was in a poly relationship, and she started joking about kissing me. We even called her girlfriend and asked if it was okay, but once it became real, I got uncomfortable and tried to back out. She started calling me a bitch and “no fun” in a “joking tone” that wasn’t really joking and made me extremely uncomfortable and pressured. So I ended up kissing her.

I told Jacob because we were still trying to be friends, and he thought I was saying she forced me into kissing her. Which, she coerced me, but I was afraid to say it.

There was also a time she literally put me in a chokehold to show off how “strong” she was. Again, I didn’t really know how to name that behavior back then, but looking back now, a lot of her treatment of me was way more aggressive and controlling than I wanted to admit.

A few weeks after Jacob and I broke up, everything blew up. We had a class together, and I misinterpreted something he said as meaning he was already dating someone new. I of course went to Lydia about it, because she was my best friend. I also posted in our high school’s theatre discord server about it. (Yes, it’s exactly the 2020’s server you’re imagining.)

After the post, Lydia’s partner messaged me saying no one wanted to be friends with me because I was a terrible person who was lying and ruining Lydia and Jacob’s friendship.

A little while after that, Jacob and Lydia started dating.

Then, I found out about the accusations; Jacob had mocked me in front of someone else, and another girl asked what was wrong afterwards. I explained, and she ended up telling me that Lydia and Jacob had been going around telling people I raped Jacob while we were dating. Which made me realize why I’d been given the cold shoulder by everyone in theatre, and why my only other “close” friend I’d known since kindergarten had been ignoring me.

I need to say this clearly, I did not assault my ex.

There was one encounter during our relationship where Jacob later told me he actually hadn’t wanted to have sex. When he told me, I freaked out, and he told me he’d continued because he thought it would get him in the mood. I took that seriously and felt guilty about it afterwards for a long time. But I never forced him, and I never knowingly violated him.

If anything, looking back now as an adult, I can remember times where I asked him to stop because something hurt, and he didn’t. I’m not trying to turn this into a blame game, but it was something that felt even more unfair during everything.

When I went to the counsellor, they basically told me there wasn’t much the school could do, unless Jacob went to the police, which he never did.

The same day, Lydia apparently told counsellors that my boyfriend at the time had threatened to kill her, which was also completely false. I also feel it’s important to mention that the girl who first told me about the accusations said she only started talking to me because Lydia had freaked out on all of Jacob’s female friends, even calling that specific girl a slut and telling her to off herself.

I also told my mom what was happening, maybe for support or some kind of justice (she was friends with Jacob’s parents because we’d been dating), but she told me that if I hadn’t had sex in the first place, it wouldn’t have happened.

So basically at 15 years old, I was left completely alone to deal with everything, and it didn’t even stop.

From early sophomore year until the first semester of my senior year, Lydia constantly harassed and intimidated me. She would insert herself into my friend groups and go to extreme lengths to isolate me.

At one point, I finally found a small lunch group, which included someone from theatre. Lydia began showing up when we ate, and after a while, people stopped including me in conversations, to the point where myself and one other person in the group started sitting across the courtyard from the rest of them. She later “confronted” me over something petty and acted like we were equally at fault even though she repeatedly went out of her way to target me.

The final “event” was when we had an Interior Design class together, something I was passionate about and almost dropped because I knew she’d be there. Every day, she’d point at me, whisper and laugh to her friend, stare at me during class. It sounds small when I type it out, but at that point in my life I was constantly anxious, paranoid, and lonely. Dealing with that level of hostility at 15 and 16 years old genuinely screwed with me so bad I haven’t been able to connect with people since. She even went out of her way to isolate me on a field trip, where I was left in a warehouse (IKEA) completely by myself while she walked around with the rest of the class.

I think what still bothers me almost 4 years later is that none of it got resolved. She got to move on, keep her friends and reputation. She’s a tattoo artist now. But I was left with years of anxiety, humiliation, and the betrayal of opening up to people about what happened only to have them turn around and still be friends with her like she wasn’t the cruelest person I’ve ever met.

So yeah, there’s my confession. It still affects me way more than I want it to. Maybe typing it out here will give me some sort of closure or validation or whatever. I’m likely going to lurk on here to see people’s opinions, but otherwise I’m done. If you read all of this, thank you.