i cheated

So I had a boyfriend (we’re both 19M) and we’ve continued to stay friends because it’s difficult to cut contact when we’re in the same friend group. We were friends for 3 years, dated for 1 year. Things were great for a while, but I broke up with him when he randomly changed his behavior. He started taking stress from work and family issues out on me, and he’d yell at me when I wasn’t even involved with the issues. I stopped trusting him because of this, especially when he’d insult things I would confide in him that I was insecure about, like I’d trust him with something and then he’d use it against me another day just because he was stressed. I didn’t think it was fair and it made me start losing feelings, especially because it made me feel like he didn’t even actually like me.

So we break up, and I tell him to his face that the relationship isn’t going to work if he doesn’t change. He says he’ll change, but he doesn't, so I tell him we can’t be together anymore and I’m breaking up with him. From then on, he seems to have accepted it and we go back to calling each other just friends. Nothing about it seems romantic anymore, I was 100% convinced we were broken up as a relationship from that point. Because I clearly told him that I’m breaking up, so that means we’re broken up in my mind, and he didn’t argue against it either. He never made any romantic gestures again, so it didn’t even cross my mind that he might think there’s still a chance of being together.

Months pass, I meet this new guy (30M). We hang out, become friends, everything seems to be fine and then one day he makes an advance. I start thinking I might like him back, too. What surprised me was this guy actually asks about consent and stuff and doesn’t try to just make me do whatever he wants and not care how I feel like my ex did, well I think he’s my ex. This guy also cares what I like, he asks how my day was, and shows a lot of interest in my hobbies, I like how he does that. Things got complicated when the guy from before found out and confronted me about this though. He says I’ve now cheated. I didn’t mean to, but apparently I did.

By the way, me and the new guy haven’t gone on a date or made anything official, I think we’re barely in a flirting stage. We haven’t kissed or touched each other any way friends wouldn’t, all he did was say he liked me and brought up the conversation to consider dating. But the guy I used to be with, he’s accused me of cheating on him. I thought we were broken up, but he says “not technically” because his heart is still in it, and therefore we’re still in a relationship? He says it takes two to break up, and he did not explicitly consent to let me break up with him, so we’re still together. I’ve been feeling ashamed and guilty because I’ve always condemned cheating and I don’t want to be a cheater, but I really thought we weren’t together anymore. I thought it was clear, and I didn’t think he thought we were still together. I’m just really confused now. He never said anything about us still being in a relationship until the moment he found out I met someone new. He was telling everyone else that we’re just friends, I don’t know why he switched it now. How was I supposed to know we were still together? I thought saying we’re breaking up was enough. I’ve only been in 2 relationships total, so I haven’t learned how it all works. I was cheated on in the first one, so I know how it feels. I hate myself for somehow becoming the thing I hated so much. Is there any way to recover from this?? I’ve always heard once a cheater is always a cheater.