Giving myself Grace after all these years feel foreign & I'm not sure if I truly deserve it

I blamed Every fucked up things that happened to Me on cuz I have No One who protected me as I should

Rape when I was 8

Dealt living in multiple motels while mom had sexual encounters 5 inches away from me and my sister

Going from safe house to safe house cuz the man my mom married would beat her/or have sex so violently I couldn't tell the difference and I would sleep in front of their bedroom door every night because I couldn't do anything to protect my mom which then she turned her pain and abuse onto me and my sister and would beat us with anything that she could get her hands on or some points would get really vindictive and would wait for us to get into the shower or get out of the bathtub to beat us when wet

just because

regardless of all the physical, mental, emotional,spiritual, religious abuse or how after I came out my mother got even more violent towards me, *was on a three-way call with my sister and my mom didn't know I was actually on the line and I stayed on that phone call for an hour and a half , she said the most homophobic things, vile disgusting things mother should say about her son like a stranger about me and I died inside, I could have hung up the phone but it was some part of me that kind of agreed with her I know it's fucked up*

outted me to my dad & not only helped the deterioration of my mental health but also got me incarcerated

To this day I wake up every morning terrified that Im in jail again due to the trauma from that

i still blame myself cuz my mom never loved me or maybe she always knew I was gay and did and said all those things to me so I blamed myself it's all I have