You wrote this - said you didn’t need someone like yourself…

Feb 6 | 2023

The Freedom of Conviction

If you tell someone you love them, your heart and mind join forces. You go all in. Body, soul, mind... together... as one. It's an ignition point, a spark. There's no wiggle room once you've convinced yourself. There's a freedom to that, to be so sure of yourself. Every step in front of you is well lit. You're free from the grey areas that are unknown. Free from indecisiveness.

If you tell someone you like them, well what the hell does that mean? You mean Like-like or just like... like? Do you like me this much? Do you like me like I like you? Do you not like me at all? Like, I dunno, the opposite of not like.

When something gets defined, it's parameters become known. Everyone can agree on it's meaning, it's intention, it's effect.

I can't define the way I like you. I'm learning what it means as I go. To be asked if I like you with the qualifier, "the way you like me", puts me in a prickly spot. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, the wrong idea, false hope. I know the way you like me is not the way I like you. You know it too. I feel like you test me though. Like you're looking for weakness in my own conviction.

I shut you down today. Harder than was necessary. I'm sorry.

To like someone is to be vulnerable to them. To be open to them in ways that are inaccessible to most people. I wish that finding it, codifying it, labeling it, wasn't necessary. Sometimes you dance near one of these sensitive areas though. A place I don't think you should be. Today, instead of gently guiding you to a safer spot, I slammed the door on you signaling "NO! You aren't invited!" In the process I hurt you. I overcompensated. It's like being in a tickle fight and suddenly someone gets touched inappropriately.

I like you, whatever that means. But I don't like you like that, whatever that means. Walking this path isn't easy. It isn't paved in stone. It isn't well lit. You may step in something. But you aren't walking this path alone. We can work together to find the way forward. I'm sorry I can't show you the way. I don't know it. My lantern doesn't shine that brightly. I lack conviction.