TL;DR: Met a guy, things got serious fast (families involved, wedding planned), then his visa issues hit and he completely shut down communication. He cancelled the marriage last minute, sent a cold message, and basically ghosted me when I tried to fix things. I waited months, finally blocked him, but still struggling to move on from what felt like a perfect match.

Last July, I met this lovely, beautiful man on an online dating site (I know, I know… but I wasn’t getting anywhere with trying to meet people irl) and we hit it off immediately. I kept myself reserved from the beginning and didn’t let myself idealize him or our relationship (which I’m unfortunately prone to do). He is an immigrant and was in the states on an H1B working visa and was working as an engineer in the next state over. He didn’t have his own place per se, but was being sponsored by a lovely older couple who housed him, fed him, and basically clothed him for half a year.

At first, things were amazing. He called and texted me all day every single day once we grew closer, and everything was perfect. Even though he didn’t have a car (he got around by bike) and lived 60+ miles away, we found time to see each other a handful of times and he even visited my house and met 3/4 of my brothers, who all approved of him. At the start of November, he had come over and we discussed mehr (dowry payment to the bride- me) requirements. Well, it was more so that I picked a number and he agreed in the presence of my mom. We had even set a nikkah (Islamic marriage signing) date for a month and a half out for right around Christmas time since the whole family would get that time off of work anyway.

During Thanksgiving (literally that weekend), president Trump issued a visa ban on his home country which meant that he could no longer get his social security card or citizenship. He had already received his work visa authorization and had a new job that paid great, and we were both literally waiting for that card to set everything in stone and get Islamically married. I already had my wedding dress for the signing. At this point in time, he pulled back severely and stopped communicating and being emotionally vulnerable with me as much. I told him this was a red flag because at the beginning of us talking, I had explained to him that communication was a nonnegotiable for me in a marriage. He just said he was under a lot of stress and needed to deal with it, but I’m of the mind that we are partners and that I am here to help him through tough times and vice versa.

Eventually, the communication got so bad that I was lucky to talk to him on the phone for 5 full minutes every 24 hours. No texts were exchanged in that time. I told him I couldn’t go on like this and that if he needed time to get his stuff together, he needed to let me know so I could give him that space and we could reconnect when he felt stable (for context, I don’t speak to the opposite sex for fun and am not interested in “American dating,” and he said neither was he. So basically we were glorified pen pals at this point). He said it’d be too painful to not speak to me.

We had both agreed during the introductory phase that we’d get Islamically married so we could “date” and see if we are compatible in hopes of getting legally married when it was feasible. In the meantime, he was to live with his host family and try to look for an apartment and I’d continue living with my parents. 2 weeks before we were supposed to get married, he sent me a long (AI generated, btw) text on Viber about how he can’t go through with the nikkah signing because he needs his social security card. I was mad because we had originally agreed on this date EVEN if his documents hadn’t come through because we weren’t moving in together immediately anyway so it really didn’t matter. He wouldn’t budge and said he needed his SS to do the signing. I told him that’s fine, he can wait till he gets all his stuff together, but that we couldn’t continue talking. He agreed and we exchanged some sweet words before going no contact. This was at the beginning of December.

When I told my parents about what went down (almost a month later 🫣) they said it sounded like I broke up with him. I got scared so a month and a half into no contact, I sent him a long message about how I felt bad for letting my emotions get the best of me and how I’d appreciate an opportunity for us to talk through everything and re-explain our expectations and make a plan for what’s going to happen moving forward. Well, girlies, he left me on read. That was end of January.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him time to think of his own plans and how to word it and reach back out to me. I even told myself I’d wait until Ramadan. Then, I told myself I’d wait until Eid, and that maybe he’d reach out because of how looked down upon severing ties (especially with negative unfinished business like this) is in Islam. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how much he made me feel like I meant to him and how he could just, never respond or reconnect ever again. I viewed him as my \*husband,\* for God’s sake. About a week or so after Eid, I realized I was just sitting around waiting for him to be ready. I realized that isn’t fair to myself. I couldn’t keep seeing his name on my phone (I have no friends and never call anyone but my parents so his name was always there near the top) and seeing his face in my camera roll and keep checking our last text conversation, so I blocked him. I deleted all 180+ pictures of him, and us together, and tried to forget about him.

Here I am, 4 months after basically breaking up, still thinking about him. I am posting this on the anniversary of our break-up. I’ve never been treated with such respect and love before like that. I used to sob every single day for like a month after that and wonder if I’ll ever feel that same love and joy again. I kinda went off on him when I told him we couldn’t talk anymore because I was livid he was going back on his word, and I felt like I could no longer trust him or his word. I still feel a bit guilty and obviously regret the way I acted, but I now realize that it’s not all my fault. He could’ve texted or called me at ANY point during any of that and I would’ve answered immediately. I still think about him, but no longer burst into tears when doing so. So that’s progress, I guess? 😒

For context, I am pretty religious; I am a fully covered hijabi, pray 5 times a day, and don’t even have physical contact with men who aren’t my dad or brother. Both of us are virgins and in the 5 months we spent establishing our relationship and connection, we did not so much as hug or even touch hands. I fully fell in love with this man’s heart and personality and who he was as a person. It truly felt like he was the perfect match for me.

Anyway, red miso ramen topped with a boiled egg, sesame seeds, scallions, corn, and gochujang and chili crisp.

Blocked my fiancé after 4 months of “waiting”