It’s me again. I made another mistake.

I was selfish and thoughtless and really hurt someone I care about. Not just someone I care about- the only person who has ever made me truly feel cared for. I’m so, so sorry he ever met me. I knew I shouldn’t have let him get attached to me. I knew, but the prospect of a friend was too tempting.

I’ll never ever make that mistake again. Because now I’m going to pay for it 1000 times over. I’ve given myself 2 concussions and triggered a relapse of full body chronic pain. I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to make decisions. I wasted so much money doing a treatment program only to have to deal with this bullshit.

As usual, my suffering is only caused by me. And no matter what kinds of chains I try to put on myself to weigh me down enough so that I can’t make these mistakes, I end up doing it anyway. I’m not supposed to survive. I’m not supposed to be here. All I can do is cause people pain. I’m just done. I’m done trying.

Fuck you for making me think I had someone. Now I can’t even kill myself without it impacting you.