My family thinks I’m “cold” for not wanting children

I (30F) have never wanted children. I started telling my family this at around 15 when it became very clear, and have made a point to be openly firm in it ever since.

I’m from a southern (culturally) family so a woman not wanting kids is beyond comprehension. While my parents trample my boundaries in so many ways, this is the one here I can’t overlook it.

When I got my new IUD in January, my dad openly said “that’s your whole window to have kids!” After I told him how long it stayed in for. Again, I’ve been telling him for 15 years at this point I’m absolutely not having kids.

While I’m so supportive of my friends and family who have kids and love children, I know I don’t want them for myself. I talk about my perspective pretty matter-of-fact because I’ve realized it’s impossible for people to grasp why a woman wouldn’t want kids. Because of this, I’m open in saying I could not ever be pregnant and know there is a parasite (scientifically, a fetus is essentially a parasite) inside of me, know I will rip open to deliver, feel the parasite moving inside of me, and risk illness and death to please society and have a baby.

If I could be a dad, I’m sure I would want kids.

I have openly said I wish I wanted this. But I don’t.

I am blessed beyond belief to find a man who also doesn’t want kids, which to my family’s dismay has finally solidified I’m not having kids. Yes, that’s horribly patriarchal and misogynistic but that’s for a different post.

Tonight my dad told me I’m “cold and callous” I. How I talk about pregnancy and is really put off by my perspective. I tried to say if he risked illness, injury, and death he would not choose this either, plus my brother wants kids and will provide him with the grandchildren he wants. I love other peoples kids and am always the first to play with them and offer to help. I just have no desire to ever be pregnant. I’m the godmother to my friends’ kids.

I guess what advice I’m looking for is how to navigate this at this point? So many people take offense even if all I say is that I don’t plan to have kids. But my dad’s response has been infuriating to me because it feels like he places his time with these hypothetical future grandkids above the health and wellbeing of his own daughter. It’s gotten to the point I’ve told him very openly that I would actually commit if I had to be pregnant because it’s my biggest fear. But no one besides my partner seems to hear me.

I don’t hate kids. I love kids and kids love me. I can’t wait to be an aunt! I love my friend’s kids so dearly. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I’m just terrified of pregnancy and birth. I wish often I wanted to have kids. But I’m so hurt by how I’m treated as a woman who is childfree. It feels like I’m not a person but a vessel for other people’s wishes and expectations of me.

Also, I have a great job that I busted my ass for that helps improve people’s lives. I dedicate my whole life to helping others in many ways. Yet somehow I’m perceived as being heartless just because I don’t want children and fear pregnancy. It makes me feel like cattle.

How can I navigate this and nip the judgement?