just feel dumb.. worthless.. and need to vent. thanks for reading

started smoking daily again about a year ago, after about 9 months sober. and it pretty much became my whole personality again except I work in a very public role where I would never actually admit to being a stoner. I think my friends dont understand just how much I’ve been smoking either.

but i’m a couple days sober again from weed and alcohol and the more I come back to moments like this in my life, the more I understand I have an addiction problem. it’s very defeating as I have a perfectionist complex and don’t feel like I can be open about how much i’ve used and how much it has affected my life, my personality, my self-esteem, my ability to cope with daily stressors, my body, the list could go on.

i’ve been working with a therapist the past couple of months and also learned I have c-ptsd. i’m just in a low point right now and feel absolutely worthless. I think that’s a combination of the no weed, as well as hormones and all this emotional work I’ve been doing. but legit have been having suicidal thoughts that I don’t even want to tell my therapist about because Im just a god damned people pleasing perfectionist who is terrified of being seen in any other way but good and happy.

it’s honestly exhausting. I just want to isolate and doomscroll and wither away without anyone noticing. i’m cringing even writing this here but feel like i need to atleast get it out somewhere.

I find myself just uncontrollable sobbing at random times and having to excuse myself to use the bathroom at work just so I can cry some more.

I want to just smoke so that I don’t have to keep feeling like this. but even smoking now doesn’t even help. just makes me more unmotivated and stuck in cycles of worthlessness.

If you made it this far thanks for reading. I have good support and good friends and family. and despite me wanting to hermit, I know it’s good to get out and continue to move forward. i’m looking forward to brighter days.