Just feeling stuck in everyway

Hey reddit, I've been feeling bad for pretty much my whole life and I have had my fair share of things occur in my life.

I really suck at expressing my emotions, wants and needs (which is pretty ironic since I'm normally the first person to people run to for advice or life situations and other things.)

I'm the listener, not the talker. Opening up to other people is weird for me due to my feelings often being disregarded by others.

In my mind, they don't care about me. Why would they? Why do I deserve a shoulder to lean on? Im just a guy to talk to when you need emotional assistance and joke with.

Never had many friends (not that I'm complaining.) I keep a close circle of people I think I can't trust, but to confide in them is a different story.

Growing up I've always been "weird", I had certain interests and quirks that my peers at the time didn't like/share. I've changed my personality just to fit in and avoid being lonely, I get lost in who I actually am. I have found friends that me feel more like myself but, my childhood experience has set the tone of how I am now.

I would consider myself pretty spineless, I often do things for other people without caring about my self.

Is it bad to want to be a bit selfish?

I have more clarity on my identity now but I still have my ups and downs. I came to reddit today because I don't really have anywhere else to turn.

My SO is a really amazing person but they're a much more humble, supportive and unlike me, actually has a spine.

I feel bad because I don't feel very deserving of their love and affection a lot of the time. I'm trying to be a bit more open with them since communication is a massive them for them but I often overthink it and try play my words every safe with my SO.

They understand my way of communicating so that helps me feel comfortable and like they're actually listening.

My mind is full of self sabotage, self deprecation and self sabotage. I constantly overthink things every encounter and conversation, think on past conversations/event and getting in my head about the smallest things or situations I can't change.

I feel like I have no control over my life.