I feel like I'm going insane; I've ruined my life

I have therapy tomorrow but for now I need to write it out- PLEASE understand I am getting help I just need to vent NOW and I'm sorry I'm sorry I shouldnt be venting online to strangers I'm just so scared and I feel alone and I have no friends to talk to I have no friends and my family- I cant tell them about this I cant 😭

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I feel like I'm going insane it's been years it's been years it's been years I'm 21 now and I haven't been abused for years I was in a happy relationship of going on five years and I broke it off and I'm so so scared I'm terrified

I hear Her in my head, and I can't make it stop- my mom has OCD and I'm scared I have it too I can't shut off the voice I cant shut off my own thought voice in my head

And she tells me things and I TRY NOT TO LISTEN I try not to listen but I think she's right in the end now he doesn't have to pay for me anymore now he doesn't have to deal with me anymore- BUT NOW SOMEONE ELSE IS PAYING FOR ME! I can't work because I'm so unhealthy I am waiting on surgeries I haven't - ITS GOTTEN WORSE SO MUCH WORSE SINCE I QUIT BUT ITS STILL MY FAULT! I BROKE IT OFF! I LISTENED!!! ITS ALL MY FAULT I'm so SCARED that in the end there's no help for me- No one in the end can understand and I CANT BLAME THEM!! I BROKE IT OFF ON VALENTINES DAY!! I BROKE IT OFF !!!

BUT I DIDNT WANT TO!!!!! I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM I WANTED TO I wanted to communicate to him I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND!!! HOW COULD THEY?

How could anyone understand???? It's been YEARS SINCE I WAS TORTURED BY HER ! ITS BEEN SO LONG I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS!!!

But it was AWFUL everyone who's heard even the slightest bit wants to comfort me and says she was a MONSTER and a PYSCHOPATH and you know back then she got diagnosed as an actual SOCIOPATH and I should've listened I should've listened when they warned me not to talk to her- the other students I met told me there were reasons no one talked to her and I just didn't listen! I had no friends, I had no one it was a new school and I should have listened but I was so, so lonely and I sat alone too and NOW SHES IN MY HEAD AND WONT LEAVE AND IM SCARED!! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW!!!! EVERYTHING IS GONE- I RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP ON VALENTINES DAY AND I GOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOT EVEN A WEEK LATER- A GUY I HAD A CRUSH ON- AND - ITS NOT THAT I DONT LOVE THAT GUY BUT I ALSO DONT KNOW HIM!!!!! I DONT KNOW HIM THAT WELL AT ALL HES NOT- HES NOT THE MAN ID KNOWN FOR YEARS!!!!

But she said to leave him to leave him to leave him when you love someone you let them go and I was bad I was mean I was awful - BUT HE WAS TRYING TO TALK TO ME BUT I COULDNT!!!! I couldn't!!! Everytime he left for work I was alone with her and I couldn't- she'd get worse the thoughts would get WORSE!!!!!

AND NOW EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AND I WANT TO DIE BUT I CANT I CANT BECAUSE MY BODY WONT LET ME DIE THESE HANDS MOVE ON THEIR OWN THERE ARE OTHERS BEHIND MY EYES!!! THEY TALK DIFFERENT- THEY ARE DIFFERENT THEYRE NOT ME!!!

And I've known of them for years I've known of them, their names their mannerisms and when people in my life say I act different I KNOW WHY!!! AND THEY SUFFERED FROM HER TOO!!!!

AND NOW THEIR LOVE IS GONE TOO!!! THEYRE HURTING!!! THEY TELL ME ITLL BE OKAY AND THAT THIS ISNT MY FAULT- IM HURTING FROM HER I WAS A KID I WAS ABUSED BUT I STILL BROKE IT OFF I STILL-

I FEEL SO ALONE BUT AT THE SAME TIME NOT! I WANT TO DIE BUT I CANT! MY BODY WONT LET ME!

I just want to go away but I can't I can't force it to happen I can't make myself clock out mentally like she was able to make me I can't anf I'm so so tired and in pain from living I've messed up the ONE GOOD THING I HAD AND ITS GONE!!!! HES GONE!!! MY BOYFRIEND WHO I LOVED MORE THAN ANYONE HES GONE NOW!!!! Yet he still lives here, his things surround me and he comes home from work and it's so hard to see him- HES SO NICE TO ME STILL, HES A SAINT!!! HES WONDERFUL AND HE HAS TRIED TALKING TO ME AND WHEN SHES NOT SO LOUD WE TALK BUT THEN SHES LOUD WHEN IM ALONE AND THE NIGHTMARES- THE N I G H T M A R E S ARE SO FUCKING HORRIBLE AND THERES NO ONE BESIDE ME ANYMORE- NO BRESTHING I CANT FOCUS ON ANYMORE BUT MY OWN AND IM ASTHMATIC !!! I CANT!!! BREATHE !!!!!

IM SO SCARED, HOW CAN THERAPY FIX THIS???!!! HOW CAN THERAPY FIX THIS AT ALL??? I have heart problems, hip problems, spine issues, lung problems, memory problems, i need so many surgeries to fix different shit that's wrong with me and HE WAS THERE FOR ME FOR ALL OF IT AND I HURT HIM I BROKE UP WITH HIM I BROKE HIS HEART HES GONE!!!! But he's not!!! he's still living here and he's still so caring, so worried but he shouldn't worry!!! I'm horrible!!! I BROKE HIS HEART!!

I'm so terrified of how this ends I'm so scared that I'll break someone else's heart and I'm so scared SHES NOT HERE BUT SHES IN MY HEAD AND I FEEL HER- I FEEL IT ALL OVER AGAIN ALL OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN, EVERY NIGHT! THE NIGHTMARE MEDS DONT WORK- THE TRAZADONE BARELY HELPS ME SLEEP- MY MOTHER CANT BE ON PROZAC BECAUSE OF WHAT IT DOES TO HER THOUGHTS AND MAKES HER HOMICIDAL- I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE!!! IVE NEVER WANTED TO HURT ANYONE!!!! BUT THE DOCTOR MIGHT PUT ME ON PROZAC IF IT IS OCD AND IM SO

SO

SCARED!!! 😭