AIO?/ vent post

This is random and I don’t know how to put it.

I (21F) am feeling emotions I don’t know how to describe. I want to cry, I’m angry and I’m hurt about things that happened a long time ago.

When I was 17, me and my then boyfriend at the time we’re outside hanging out and a few hours later, he gets shot in the head infront of me. I had a feeling before it happened that something was about to seriously happen, and I told him I want to leave and I don’t know why but we should move away and go somewhere but he didn’t listen to me. He passed 8 hours later. This was 17 days after my birthday.

I’m currently 3 months pregnant with a baby I don’t want to carry but I’m doing it for someone else so they can have the family they need and want. I already have a daughter. But I’m unhappy with this right now. I don’t want to say I was pressured into it because no one physically made me agree but I was asked over and over until I gave in and we did it without doing the deed.

I’m grieving my mom. She’s not dead, but she’s gone. Mentally she’s not here anymore. She can take care of herself and my other siblings, but she’s not the same person after her ex boyfriend and her best friend poisoned her and she ended up in the hospital for months, and her brain got messed up a bit and then for her to end up pregnant by that same person (he r4ped her this time) and she had the baby and while getting the epidural, the doctor didn’t even let her sit down, and she was chewing gum while giving my mom the epidural and they had to redo it 9 times. My mom isn’t scared of the epidural. She has 6 kids. I’m her first. They messed up really bad and after that she’s been different.

I don’t really know what else to put other than I dont want to live this life anymore. I’m just done and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t get help because I don’t want to be locked in a hospital. I just got out of foster care a few months ago because I aged out. I was never in a foster home. Just in and out of psych placements and then the last 2 years put into independent living. But I’ve been in locked down facilities my whole life. Ran away at 16 for a year which is when I met my boyfriend who passed and stayed with him. At 18 is when I got into the independent living. I don’t want to be locked away again.

I won’t do anything to myself. At least not right now. I have to deliver a friend’s baby. I know I can’t leave my daughter but I can’t do this anymore. I have no one.

I just need a hug. I want my mom. I wish I could get a hug.