My Girlfriend ended her life after i moved back to my Country

Throwaway because i dont want to stay anonym.

Im still in a huge shock and im a emotional mess right now so i apologize if my post is gonna be hard to read. I just cant describe what is going on inside of me right now.

Lets name my girlfriend sophia for this post

It began with sophia and me, we meet on hinge about 5 years ago. We immedialy falled in love with each other even with the fact that we live really far away. She is from italy and im from alabama. We meet the first time when we both was in our early 20s.

I never loved someone more than her so i decided after a few months to meet her in italy. I was there for a month and i fully enjoyed my time with her so i decided to move to Italy. My visa got accepted and i moved together with her. The beginning was really hard for us because i couldnt find a job but atleast i studied. She started to work more to pay my living and when i think back to it i feel really miserable. I feel like thats how everything began. She works in healthcare and i knew already before that she already almost drifted into a burnout but in this moment i was just trying on figuring out how to life there.

She always said that it is okay aslong im happy so i tried my best to find a job. After about 8 months i found a job but it was horrible. I stayed in this job to show her that im serious about us. After i began my job i got really unhappy. We started to fight a lot and i initiated to break up a few times but we never seriously break up. I began to distance myself more and more and after that she began to get into depression again. She was diagnosed already years ago and i feel like i brought these feeling back to her.

She really tried everything to help me out, she tried to make me happy and i miss her so much. I just realized that i never gave her all of that back. I honestly triggered things in her with my behaviour. She was in a toxic relationship before and she got cheated on a lot. I messaged a lot in a wrong way with a girl and meet her once after we had a big fight, eventually we kissed once but after that i felt horrible and blocked her. Sophia found out about it by herself and since then she changed. We never really talked about it but i know that she was really broken because of this. I have no idea why i did that and i hate myself for it.

After that everything seemed to get better. We talked about our future together and last year she told me that she wished to get married and get children with me. She made a mot of hints about wanna get proposed to and i actually just said soon anytime she talked about it. Same about children. I mean i wanted all of this but i felt not sure if i wanna stay in italy. About 7 months ago she got pregnant by accident. I reacted in a bad way. She was so excited when she told me about it and i got a airbnb and ghosted her after that for 4 whole days. I felt like i cant be a good dad. In this moment sophias life broke down. She aborted a week later. I didnt knew about it till it happened but she said that if it was for our relationships sake it is okay for her. I knew that it wasnt okay.

From then on she wasnt herself anymore and me too. She tried to act happy and do so much for me but i feel like i never appreciated any of it.

I decided about 2 months ago that i want to move back to alabama because i never felt like home in italy and the language began to be a big problem for me. I didnt talked with her about my plan to move back to be honest. I told her about it after i booked my flight. She understood my decision but also cried a lot. She was scared that i would break up with her after i moved back. I actually had no idea about how we should continue our relationship after i moved back and i felt like something bad is gonna happen.

She begged me so many times if she can come with me but i declined. I was scared that she will feel like me if she moves away, but my worry for her was that i knew that she has nothing left in italy if she move away from there. No family, no friends just a job and hope. I didnt wanted that shes gonna lost her whole life so i said that we can figure out about how to continue after i got back into my life there again. She accepted it and meanwhile the times go by.

I just had my flight a week ago. I remember that she packed a letter in my luggage that i wasnt allowed to read until i was at my parents home so i did. She looked so broken when we said goodbye at the airport. She broke down into tears when i was in line. I felt so horrible in this moment and i felt like i destroyed everything in our relationship.

I wondered why i got no messaged from sophia after i landed, even after i reached my parents home. I started to worry after i got no message back from her. I thought that she probably just came home and falled asleep do i just got to sleep. After i still got no message back on the next day i started to worry a lot. I forgot the letter that she packed for me so i just read this and it all made sense for me after that.

She fully opened herself in this letter. Everything what i never got to hear from her. What she kept for herself. How she felt after i just let her alone in italy and planned my future alone without even telling her about it before. I started to realize that this was a goodbye letter. Sophia fully explained in this letter how she felt, what made her to do this and that she fully lost her hope into keep living after i decided that.

I immedially informed anyone that i knew in italy to check on her. It got clear really fast that she ended her life the evening before. I never felt so empty before.

I destroyed the person that i loved for years. In this moment i just realized what i did to sophia in all of these years. The lies, the betray and my empty words. Instead of a secured relationship she got silence and lost her trust in me.

I feel like this pain of missing her is never gonna go away. I just regret so much. I thought we could go through it but we could never in this way. I will never see her again. I miss her so much.