feeling invalid

i went to therapy yesterday, and i talked about a lot of things that had been going on like my self harming behaviors, suicidal ideation, and depressive episodes which i considered a huge leap in progress since i started therapy recently and haven't fully gotten comfortable yet. this made me feel great and the feelings are still there, which is supposed to be good but i just can't enjoy it. i feel as if im faking having BPD and i can't possibly have it if i feel good for this long and i've purposely been trying to trigger myself so i can spiral and feel all of the symptoms to the extent that i usually do to validate my illness. any feeling other than depression feels so foreign and it makes me deeply uncomfortable. although i'm constantly claiming i want to get better, i feel so upset because i don't feel upset... idk what's wrong.