The Honesty

Feb 22 | 2023

The honesty of it all will be disappointing, dear. I fear you will have overestimated my coverage; always underestimating the gravity in which I regard you.

My week has been substantially more productive. Ironically. A culmination happened that pulled me out of darkness, quickly… but it was a mirage. They all are, I guess. I thought I saw you,…again… And I let myself rest in it for a moment; an oasis to dream with long brushstrokes, finally compartmentalizing the polarities of each state’s magnitude, with a lamp on hope.

Talk about a perfect storm.

But I have reached the Phoenix state… I think. Don’t tempt me. Nah, bro. I’m too damn wobbly. But whatever this is, it feels like rising. And the ashes! They’re everywhere, but at least I’m not burning anymore. I’ve settled here; this constant state of timeless disappointment with full understanding that I ain’t got no damn choice but to get up. No choice.

And for the love of everything holy, it’s about time I stop being so hard on myself. That shits exhausting. It amazes me I’m paid to present as a bad ass. I’m paid well bc I do it well and it works. But inside, there’s arenas of punching bags wired to my nervous system, bags hinged to the softest parts. And those bags are worn.

Balance ain’t balanced. And it shows.

Regardless, I know that I want you. I couldn’t shake you. No matter how hard I try. I heard you. And I spoke back. And I swear I could feel you. The real you. I think I fell in love in the other ether, and I died in love in this one. It has always been overwhelming.

The catalyst for my rebirth? I don’t know what you were if you weren’t my dreams. I don’t think I’ll ever understand, either.

Never in all my life. Never has it been like this.

Physics doesn’t Newton, either. HOW?! Mehow? Yes, youhow. HOW can I feel all this for you to feel nothing. Nothing except my dwindling mass and parched surfaces. Once supple, ‘excessive’, now sulking and beaten, emaciated by the infinite energy of such nothingness.