I’ve been doing really bad

So I’ve struggled for about 5 years but in the last few months it’s gotten super bad. Throughout it all no one has known how much I struggle with drinking other than me joking about joking about blacking out or not remembering weeks. Now it’s everyday, at work, I’ve driven, I’ve broken into peoples medicine Cabnits for pills when I can’t get alcohol. I know I have an issue but I also have issues talking about vulnerability. I feel like I’m not going to be able to get help until everything falls apart, until I get caught at work or by friends or by family. I’m just watching myself self destruct. The thing is I’m aware of what I’m doing but I can’t stop and a small part of me is scared but it’s so small it never over powers me to stop. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve looked up aa meeting and found them but I’m too anxious, to scared of stopping. I can’t stop. Am I just bound to run myself to destruction unless I get courage to admit I have a problem. I feel so stuck.