My First Time Feeling this Way

When my girlfriend an I first got together, I lost about 700$ on the casino. It was all I had at the time. I told her and she took it lightly as I told her I would never do it again, and I meant it. Over the last couple months I came into a large lump sum of money and I made promises. “No matter what, I got you.” And she’s hard to convince, she works hard for her two kids and never trusts easily. But somehow I managed to gain that trust just enough for me to screw it up.

After I got the lump sum, I started off just buying some crypto. Then leverage trading. Then Kalshi, which progressed to regular sports betting and Blackjack. During this time she was planning on quitting her job to find a new position because the place she works is awful. I supported her, I even encouraged it, I may have been the deciding factor. She felt so light in my arms for the moment. Like I had lifted a burden she’d been carrying forever. To be able to fall back and someone catch you.

About a week ago, I went on a gambling binge morning to morning. I was sure I should stop, I’d deactivate, and reactivate constantly over the course of an hour. Unfortunately, her last day of work is tomorrow and I have nothing. I Started with 13k, to 15k, to 27k, back to 7k to 15k to 5k to 15k then straight to 0 and now she’s downstairs sleeping on the couch and won’t even look my direction and I don’t even have words to explain how sorry I am. I feel like I literally had no control and a part of me felt relief after hitting 0. But, I put her kids livelihood in jeopardy after stealing her trust away and I can’t sleep.

The worst part is, the whole time this was occurring, I didn’t even see it. She was counting on me and I was stuck in my head for a week, pretending to pay attention while I placed bets. And she sensed something was off, but it seemed she thought I was cheating. I’ve never disappointed someone so bad, and the feeling is only slowly washing over me. I’ve self-excluded and am working to find a temporary solution.

She might leave me. I have nothing, and if I still had 1000$ I wouldn’t be writing this post right now, and she would never know. I would be running it back. I feel like a monster.