im just tired of everything

i used to try and find a specific problem to find reasoning to why im so tired and sad and angry all the time and most of the time i got it because my life is chaos it always is but recently i just noticed even when things are a little calmer i still feel so empty and i dont know whats wrong with me and why i cant truly be happy when im supposed to its like i wont allow myself to feel happy i always feel out of place and like i drain people because theyre happy and im not. i get like an hour of happiness some days and then boom its sadness or emptiness all over again and i am so fed up . nothing works i dont wanna change i dont want to fight for my life but i cant end it either because i dont want to leave others hurting but i just cant anymore. trying and getting better feels so pointless cause i feel like ill never change. im taking antipsychotics and they dont help anything but i also havent been consistent because somedays ill just get mad that i have to take them so i dont. idk if thats even logical but i just go into this fuck everyone and everything mindset so often that i do thingss like that. only times ive been happy was as a kid maybe sometimes and whenever i drink alcohol. i hate this shit