Help- Post Breakup Feels/Share

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitant to post on this thread but I feel lost and want someone to talk to. I just got out of a long term relationship of about 4.5 years with a porn addict. He disclosed this and his joining a twelve step program before we officially started dating. I shrugged it off as I assumed many men watched porn occasionally. I learned more about what his addiction consisted of as we continued dating (onlyfans, dming, cams) and yet I still shrugged it off as I told myself he wasn’t cheating in person and that felt like the only thing that was “wrong with him” at the moment. In person he seemed like the ideal boyfriend- affectionate, kind, etc. He also would occasionally confess he relapsed as he was unable to be intimate unless he was “honest with me”. I let it happen as he tried to explain that sobriety would see some slips and that it was damaging to antagonize an addict and made them not want to be honest. Two years into us dating we move in together and in the back of my mind I was scared of being exposed to his addiction in a shared household. A year into living together I found out that not only had he relapsed multiple times but engaged in new behaviors- taking unsolicited pictures of women in public. This almost broke us up but I still stayed. We seemed okay, great even the best few months but about six months later I noticed some changes. We spent less time with each other after work, he was less intimate and initiated sex less. I was even looking up articles about timelines and feeling like we “lost the magic” at ages 25 and 29. On Valentines this year, a common thing that I kept bringing up was not being asked and when he finally did ask after four years I didn’t feel anything. Then come the day before Valentine’s. I asked him if he got anything and he said no and when I gave him my gift he did not respond the way I wanted which really set me off. I initiated a conversation about how unhappy I felt and asked him if he felt the same. Somehow in the conversation he managed to disclose that he had continued to engage in public behavior- this time no longer taking unsolicited pictures but going up to young women and asking them for explicit pictures in exchange for money. I asked for more information and the more I learned the more disgusted I felt and yet I still considered staying. I also found a journal for his program of his where he jot down the sick and twisted fantasies he had and the sexual feelings he had had towards people we knew. The more we talked it out and after consulting his therapist he decided that we should split as he had continued to hurt me. In currently still in our old apartment ashe has moved out and I am relocating hours away after my current work contract ends in three months. I just feel so hopeless and can’t wrap my head around everything. He seemed to be doing his program and I would occasionally come to this reddit threat to try and find hope stories but I should have known better. I know he hurt me so much and I was doing okay the first month but it has just come back and hit me hard. Despite all this, I do hope he gets help and I can’t help but to miss the “good” of the relationship even though the bad far outweighs it. Apologies for ever length if the post- I’m just hoping to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar as my current therapist hasn’t been much help. Good luck to the rest of you.