I Lost My Dad, Now My Mom Within 2 Years.

Long post, but i’d love some advice on how to cope and how much time I have left.

My (18F) mother (80F) is currently in hospice. (She is my grandmother, but she raised me with my grandfather who did pass away in hospice as well three years ago. My bio mother is abusive, so I am very close with my grandparents. They will be Mom and Dad in this post.)

On my 18th birthday last Monday, I found out her cancer (Multiple Myeloma) and calcium numbers were too high to do anything about it, and my family immediately put her into hospice. The nurse, as sweet as she is, did make it very clear we have DAYS left. It’s been about 5 days since we stopped doing her treatment and started end of life care.

The first three days were silent, she can’t walk or lift up her arms. We have nurses come as needed, mainly once a day and they have given her a bath. She is always soft spoken, but she couldnt get herself to talk at all. Today was really bad. She could talk again, but all of it was nonsense. I know she was confused before and since she can talk now it’s more apparent to us. I don’t deny her statements, I reassure her about what she’s worried about or what she thinks is going on. “I need to go home, don’t let me be here” Okay momma, let’s get you home. We pick her up off the bed and let her ride around in the wheelchair and say “We are home!” It eases her mind a lot.

She wasn’t able to eat the first four days, but today she has been eating and drinking a lot. She is on oxycodone, morphine, and hydroxine, which is medication she’s been taking for 10 years.

I’m sitting next to her and she hasn’t stopped having these horrible nightmares- her dreams include her passed away relatives, which she finds peace in, but her nightmares are completely random and bad situations for her.

I want my momma to be at peace, I’m going to start my life without her and lose both of my parents before graduation. I am so heartbroken, but I have always reassured her, even way before hospice, that I will be okay because she raised me and will always be with me. She keeps asking for me, but doesn’t recognize me. “Where’s my (OP?)” I’m right here, momma! “No…. you’re not my baby…” I just want her to be at peace.

throughout this she is very aware she is confused and about to die, she acknowledges most of her confused statements- saying “I don’t sound right.”

I’m laying next to her and holding her hand as she has a horrible nightmare, and before she fell asleep she said, “Something is wrong. Something is wrong, I don’t know what but it’s wrong.” My heart breaks, this woman has sacrificed her life for me, took me in when no one else would, and I just want to know when my Momma will be home. Her breathing is shallow a lot of the time then returns to steady, less shallow breaths.

How much time do I have? When my dad passed, it was so sudden and he was asleep when he passed away, but they knocked him out with a lot of meds- it was a painful and scary death. She isn’t in any pain, isn’t anxious, and is aware of things going on- but It’s just so heartbreaking. She can deal with the pain, but her mind being gone is bad. A week ago I had my mommy, now I don’t. I’m so mad, I’m so sad, I don’t know how to live life without my mom.