I feel crazy

I feel so dumb that I cant say or recognize if I have been emotionally abused. I am an anxious person, I overthink and over explain everything in my head. My partner is extremely defensive and can rarely take accountability for their actions. Discussions about small things turn into arguements about respect and being open to sharing perspectives and I leave apologizing for "attacking" them. I frequently tried to explain what I was feeling and why and why what they did or said hurt me but it was not accepted. I stopped trying as hard. I didnt feel like an equal partner, they said I abandoned them. I emotionally and financially supported them but stopped being physically intimate. The resentment grew. They stopped helping with the home, made it clear that requests for help was me asking them to do more than their fair share. They took us to couples therapy because I said I was unhappy and felt like I wasn't listened to or respected in our relationship. They didnt agree that this was the issue but thought couples therapy could get to the bottom of it. They got nicer, helped more at home, started to learn more of the right things to say. But still, are not able to take accountability, dismiss my concerns quickly, does not acknowledge when I have been hurt by something. When I have a concern, I am only bringing it up to hurt their feelings. I recognize that this is their problem. They have been in therapy a long time, I have asked if this is being worked on but they dont share, they dont acknowledge that this is an issue and hold firmly that they are not defensive. But, over the years of being told Im the problem, the reason they can't hear my concerns is because Im too aggressive when presenting them, Im mean, Im not doing enough- I believed it. I tip toed around issues and thought for days before bringing something up in just the right way so maybe it would get through just to still be apologizing for my need in the end. They did not care how upset I was about something- if it wasn't their fault, it wasn't their problem and if it was their fault, they made sure to deny that until it was significantly worse and they felt they were in the clear. There was no physical abuse. Body language was angry and voices were raised but not to the point of screaming at one another. I feel like shit. But they just weren't capable of taking any accountability or loving me like I needed - does that make it abusive? I have been told this and it makes me so uncomfortable and then I dont want to talk about it. If I ask for real - then its a no and im being dramatic. Or its a yes and why dont I know that?