How to cope with being the ‘villain’

Hello all, I’m 21M and recently was broken up with around december of last year. I’ll keep it simple, I had several issues due to some trauma (SA) I hadn’t uncovered which led me to view women on social media for years which I stopped doing up until I had gotten into our relationship.

On one occasion I was flipping through her camera roll alongside her and she had a screenshot of an explicit video online. It hurt me a little bit but I felt she always showed up for me and we had a beautiful relationship. After seeing that it made me justify myself to say well if she does it then there isn’t any harm in me doing it.

This made me continue a bad cycle I once indulged in constantly. For those of you who know the struggle at times some things become ‘not enough’ which is the worst part, Things became more personal and I viewed videos of my ex girlfriend and at some point even one of her friends page I was viewing. We were together for about a year and a half, I had always stayed loyal and never directly cheated on her although I know viewing people is microcheating or the same.

She obviously is upset and we’ve already gone past the point of conversation. I became obsessive and would call her for periods of time leaving up to 50+ missed calls. I am undiagnosed at the moment but will be soon. She hates me and I obviously want to change that. I was her first boyfriend but the thing is I hadn’t given myself time to recover from a relationship I had gotten out of only a few months before meeting her.

I keep telling myself things are okay and will get better and they have in ways, But I can’t help myself but wanting to have more and more conversations with her. I want to set things straight and more than anything I miss her presence in my life and I’m sure this is normal and it’s what happens when you make mistakes. I just always had the impression that some things can be worked through if you love the person enough.

I embarrassed myself to my family and friends by being upfront and not lying about what I had done. I know I probably don’t deserve to speak to her again but it’s just the thought loops and anxiety that makes it so unbearable. I wake up at night from dreams about her, everything I did I would do with her. It hurts but I know this is all my own fault.

To wrap up my question, what are some things you all might’ve told yourself or used in order to cope with the feeling of being a monster in a way? I just feel so disgusting and ugly.