Do I have symptoms of BPD?

I know I could just go to a therapist or psychiatrist. But I don’t want medicine and I am just nervous if I do have a diagnosis. So this is me just asking for an opinion.

Everything got bad when my father died in 2021. I’m a 26F.

I’ve been to therapy before my father died for depression. Then he died and I got worse. They said I have anxiety and severe depression and obviously, an eating disorder.

I starved myself and then became bulimic. Then I started going out drinking at bars with fake friends. I stole from stores sometimes.

I barely sleep right now. I work night shift so I’m kinda forced to stay up. But I stay up way past what I could be sleeping.

I have my first real relationship ever currently. I’m having a very rough time with it. Silently.

He is older. He was married and is now divorced. I’m not sure for exactly how long cause he doesn’t like to talk about it. He has his own past with addiction so I get nervous to bring it up because it follows that addiction past and he is embarrassed of it all.

Anyways, anytime I feel an OUNCE, or an INKLING, of “something is wrong” or just anger or his being genuinely upset and serious about it, maybe he might’ve though once about us taking a break. Or he even just mentions the word, I panic severely. I immediately get watery eyed and could start sobbing, but I don’t. I have teared up in front of of him over one small remark I’ve made about us. And he began to look anxious and that made me panic. Once I said it I saw his face and immediately regretted and began apologizing profusely and I started crying. I went home and I was screaming violently in my car, sobbing, banging on my steering wheel. I was sobbing all night. The next day, he said we are fine, and I went back to normal.

Now, I’m in shambles and have been up all night because I believe he isn’t being truthful with when his relationship with his ex-wife ended. And thinking about him lying and possibly spending time with her longer than he said he did, makes me feel physically sick to my stomach and angry and severely depressed.

I feel I deserve to know every single thing about his ex-marriage because that is such a big part of someone’s life, and this being my first relationship, I need to know what happened between them and when it ended, for my safety. I’m too anxious to not know. I need to know there are no feelings still being kept locked away in his heart. It is making me crazy.

It is morning now and I’ve calmed down a little. When I am alone, my mind is the worst place I could be. It’s full of negativity, and when I try to be positive, it feels like a show. Like it’s make believe. A waste of time.

But as soon as I see him, ‘I’m fine’ I say. And I do feel fine. But then I’m alone again, and I’m back to being severely depressed. All I do is sleep. And I still have bulimia. I just sleep and eat and purge and visit him and make him laugh and happy.

If things even feel like they’re in trouble with me and him, it feels like the end of the world and I break apart inside. That’s why I don’t bring anything up ever and I’m always fine because if I do, I will just hurt myself and maybe him. And I never want to hurt him.

I’ve left work sobbing because I would think about all of my family dying in the future and I’ll be all alone. I couldn’t handle it. I was just crying at work and I left. I could be surrounded by people at work, but it’s a warehouse job so no one is paying attention to anyone. It’s a very independent job. So I still feel alone.

What is this?