if other people can't find a job, i feel like i have no chance

it's really getting me down at the minute. i'm autistic and disabled and so live on benefits (uc, lcwra, and pip) but i'm sick of doing nothing at all the time. of just trying to survive. of never having any of my own money that i've earned to spent on things i want rather than need. every day, week, month is the same. all i can think, even when i buy non-secondhand clothes or i get a takeaway once in a while, "people are busting their arse at work so i can have this. why do i deserve it? i don't". i'd love to go on a holiday but again, i don't deserve to and i'm terrified i'll be "caught" and subject to "well, if you can go on holiday, you can work so you're clearly choosing not to".

i've had one full time job in my life (almost 31) that had me in constant burnout and every single day off i had i spent recovering from my shifts. i've had one part time job, one day a week, that i got bullied out of because of my autism. even things like i'd "count wrong", even when the end result was the same. i didn't look at people enough. i liked clear instructions when told to do tasks and so had "zero common sense". i did an adult learning course at college but dropped out as i just wasn't learning as fast as everyone else and i felt too ashamed to keep attending. i was still in basics while everyone else'd almost finished their units for the entire thing.

i keep seeing news articles about how people on benefits don't want to work, we're lazy, we're drains on society, we're worthless, etc. it makes me want to cry. i want to work. i apply for jobs. i'm open about my health, they turn me down (if i get a reply at all). if i try to hide my health and lie, which i'm not comfortable with, they find out sooner or later because i'm clearly disabled. there are some jobs i know i'd struggle with, that everyone recommends like bar staff/waiting, and i feel horrible about it. like, beggars can't be choosers, you know? hell, i've applied for a bunch of volunteering positions and never get replies back.

i want to work. i want to be part of my city and society. i want to exist and matter and have worth. i'm sorry for the waffling... i'm just really struggling. we all are. but no one should have to. i hope one day i can become an actual part of manchester in some way.