I'm constantly afraid that I've harmed children. (OCD/POCD)

It is literally a constant worry and its one of the biggest reasons why I'm unable to truly live my life.

I believe my POCD developed in part to some messed up things I had done to my peers when I was way younger. I was ignorant, and didn't really understand what I was doing.

I had thought I had improved and had my values in the right place. But then the doubt started setting in.

I keep mentally reviewing every interaction I've ever had with someone younger than me, wondering if I had done something bad. If I SOMEHOW know that I didn't do anything bad, I ask myself if I had INTENDED to do something bad. It feels like looking through the eyes of a stranger, as my memory is kinda bad overall.

Let me give an example of my doubt. I was basically the primary caretaker of my nephew for a while there. I've been freaking out, 3 years after the fact, over the thought that I might have done something to him/wanted to do something bad. I specifically ruminate about one time where I had to clean him up after to he made a mess of himself. (To which I normally refuse to change or clean children.) And I wonder if I did something monstrous and just refuse to admit it.

This doubt, of course, comes from the fact that I once was a monster. The precedent had already been set.

These obsessions have pretty much destroyed me mentally. I immediately shut my eyes if a child pops up on TV. If my nephew is around, I try my hardest to stay as far away as possible.

I struggle so hard to love myself amidst all this. I tell myself that I don't deserve basic necessities or therapeutic help because people who have done these things don't deserve it either.

I also struggle with trying to apply any OCD coping mechanisms to this. "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't."? This feels too HUGE to apply that to. I'd rather berate myself mentally and be wrong about my past actions, than relax and not care and actually be right, and that I really am this horrid monster.