I am so tired.

I am so tired.

I have AuDHD and I am completely burned out. Not tired-tired. Soul tired. The kind that rest doesn't touch. Nothing does.

I know exactly what needs doing. Exactly. I can sit and think and see the whole picture clearly. And then nothing happens. For days. For weeks. Nothing happens.

It's not volume. It's not noise. It's the inability to do. Like the map is completely clear but the legs won't move. I'm not lazy. I know I'm not lazy. I'm good at my work. I have skills. I had a business that was doing okay until I had to close it because of this. I'm trying to revive it and I've barely touched it in weeks. But I just spent days hyperfocused on something unrelated that worked brilliantly and I'll probably never use again. My brain just does what it wants. I have no say.

I feel dread about 80% of the time. Not vague anxiety. Crushing, paralysing dread that doesn't motivate me - it freezes me. The stakes feel enormous which makes starting impossible which makes the stakes feel even more enormous. It just spirals. And I've been white knuckling it my whole life, completely unmedicated. I'm 2 months into a 10 month NHS waitlist for ADHD assessment and medication. 8 more months before I find out if the thing I've been waiting for my whole life actually helps.

On top of all of this I have EDS - chronic joint pain every day, poor healing, the whole picture - but because my genetic tests came back negative I just fell through the gap. I have bad gender dysphoria. I have IBS most days. I'm very overweight and I hate it but I can't seem to change it. I struggle badly with sleep. Summer is coming and my hayfever gets unbearable. My body and my brain are both fighting me constantly.

I used to self harm. I stopped because I know it's bad. But honestly I think stopping made things worse. It was doing something real - it was regulation, a way of making internal pain external and manageable. Stopping without finding anything that does even part of that same job just leaves me with the original pain and no outlet.

I don't want to die. But I really don't want this life either. There's a difference and I think a lot of people here will understand that distinction. I'm not in crisis. I just genuinely do not want to keep living like this indefinitely. I want things to be different, not for it to be over. But I need things to actually change.

I want so badly to work hard and earn money and build something I'm proud of. I want that so much. And it hurts so much knowing I can't seem to get there no matter how hard I try or how clearly I can see what needs to happen.

I have a therapist. I have people around me. I'm not alone in the practical sense. I just feel completely alone in the real sense. And I am so, so tired of knowing exactly who I could be and not being able to get there.

I guess by posting this, im hoping someone might be able to lend some advice? Or maybe some kind words. Sorry if this was a waste of your time.