How do you regulate your emotions when you forget your coping tools?

I have adhd and autism and have always been a very emotional and extremely sensitive person, and I often express my feelings loudly and constantly. I don’t always know how to regulate my emotions, but it’s something I’ve been really wanting to work on.

I grew up with my family not understanding my neurodivergent brain and because of that it has always been hard for me to find a safe place to feel like I don’t always have to explain myself and how I’m feeling.

Recently, my partner told me that he feels like he needs to cater his daily emotions to mine in order to not upset me because my emotions and feelings are always more urgent in our relationship. He says it’s like playing a guessing game on what emotion I’ll be feeling everyday and then setting aside how he feels to make sure I don’t get upset if I’m feeling a specific way.

This made me so sad and frustrated with myself. I had no idea I was making him feel this way.

I find that I really struggle with understanding and noticing that my emotions are affecting people this way and reading the room when I am feeling a big emotion. It’s almost like my coping mechanisms turn off and my mind goes blank and I don’t even realize until they let me know what’s happening.

I want to do better and be better. I feel sick knowing I do this to people and I want to learn how I can self regulate and validate my own feelings instead of looking for reassurance/validation constantly and letting these big emotions and my sensitivities run rampant. I want people to feel like they can be themselves around me and not cater to my emotions.

How do other people validate their own emotions and regulate themselves so they can balance their feelings and not let it overpower others?