this is only to get this vent out of my notes.

im so fucking lonely man its not even funny to me anymore. i say i need someone but i doubt im mature enough for a relationship right now. i havent been eating much and the little i ate, my body wanted to throw it up. i have been eating at least enough to stay alive (i think.) other than that its just water kinda sometimes. that fuck ass game really sent me down a whole depressive episode. im able to shower and brush my teeth, i just cant like get up and do anything other than lay in bed and listen to music :')

i honestly just want someone who can idk talk to me i guess? but tbh not in a "hey friend" way, i want like a "baby you know you can talk to me and i'll be here for you." but the only way to get something like that would be to put myself out there or wtv but im not really even ready for that, im kinda pulling the "i hope someone just comes along randomly." idk its weird.

i sound like a fuckin loser saying this but misaki the character is like what i want in a partner but far beyond just someone whos close-ish, like personality, humor, really just everything. its sounds so stupid but i guess at least im self aware about it? idk it just makes me sound like such a loser, but the companionship and trust is what i want, like "idc if you dont want me to hear your problems because i will whenever you need me to" type of relationship and not even just for me, it would go both ways because hearing someone out on their problems is something i love, it feels like a super deep amount of trust. the only thing is, is that 1 i dont even out myself out there at all and 2 im not good enough for a relationship like that, i hate my entire self and honestly sometimes wish i could just not be here, not like killing myself but i wish i was someone completely different and idk why i think a relationship would fix that. i have friends and shit and they're alright people but i wish we could be better friends but we arent, i never really get to talk about my feelings and the one time i did it honestly didn't seem like any of them cared that much.

i mean even my family hasnt said anything to me but thats a given, we arent a "feelings" family, we kinda just do our own thing. (god this sounds so fucking pathetic) i hope one day i can find someone like the character, i dont deserve it at all but i hope.