I work in a hospital, and pens are a vital part of the healthcare ecosystem. Suffice it to say, I go through a LOT of pens, both personal and employer provided. After one of my favorite personal pens seemingly grew legs and walked off this week, I happened to have an epiphany. While I was stewing in my own malaise, when I saw the classic smiley face pain scale and realized that it could be applied to pen ratings if modified creatively. 

This is my personal rating scale of pens based on how willing I would be to lend them out. Please help me refine it, for both the good of my sanity and for the sake of cost-benefit analysis when I let unscrupulous actors use my pens “for just a second.” I appreciate your feedback!

Lending Willingness Rating System: 

1/10: Non-usable. The pen merely exists and only occupies the title of “pen”. Nothing else. It doesn’t even work. Often gimmicky and always cheap. Indistinguishable from actual shit. You only lend these to people you actually hate, and you love to watch it go.

2/10: Barely usable. It works, but terribly. Hard starts, skips, leaks, poor quality, and uncomfortable. Aggravating the whole time you use it, and you often search for other options before relenting to this debacle masquerading as a pen. The type of pen that you lend to people who are aggravating and deserve schadenfreude. Enjoyable to clean out of your inventory. 

3/10: Tolerable, but purely out of necessity, and only for smaller writing tasks. It’s usually the most convenient option in situations where you don’t have time or another option. You regularly lend these to others and lose them without any sense of loss. 

4/10: Generally serviceable. It is practical, but it isn't good. It’ll hold you over for the day if you need it to, but you don't like it. You have more criticisms than complements for it. The type of pen that you loan out so you can reserve the good stuff for yourself. This is what most non-pen enthusiasts consider ‘good pens’, but only because they don't know any better.  

5/10: Perfectly average. There are faults with this pen, but it’s nothing you can’t tolerate. There are better pens that you’d rather use, but you don’t mind using this one for a while. Lending these makes you seem like a very nice friend or co-worker.

6/10: Solid. You like this pen. You won’t go out of your way to get it, but you like it. It may not write the best or it may not feel great, but in most scenarios, you don’t mind keeping this one handy for your needs. Sometimes your workhorse, but you’d definitely lend it to a good friend, so they have a good workhorse if they need it.

7/10: Excellent. You will go out of your way to get this pen, or at least search for it first, before being forced to settle for other options. Writes with authority and feels good in the hand. More positive points than negative. Your workhorse of choice, if you have the choice. Reluctant to lend out, and quick to ask returned. Often the most you’d be willing to lend out to anyone you aren’t BFFs with. You’d be disappointed if it gets lost.

8/10: Exceptional. A joy to use. Among your favorites. The type of pen that makes you genuinely sad if you lose it. You will lend it out in extreme scenarios, but only to the most trusted of people. You never break line of sight with it the whole time it is out of your possession. You ask for it back the moment the person finishes using it and will chase them down if they walk off with it. It writes the way a pen should and feels better than good, whatever that feels like to you.

9/10: Prized Possession. Your favorite pen you own. There is very little about it that you can actually criticize. You always reach for this first, without hesitation. It is the bar by which you measure all other pens. This is the equivalent of the star child that your parents always compared you to when you were a kid. The type of pen that lives at home because you are scared to carry around. This is the pen that you never lend to others. 

10/10: The peak of all writing experience. Absolute perfection, and even the most critical of minds fail to conjure any faults with this writing implement. Transcendental and unassailable in its existence. Men tremble and wet themselves when you pick it up, women swoon and immediately follow you on Instagram. Every stroke is a fresh choir of angels singing, and it is held by cherubs when not in use. You don’t lend this pen to others, it lends itself to you.