I [40F] saw how my close friend [40F] lives and it’s changed how I feel towards her

I’m a fairly neat and clean person but not obsessive. I like my trinkets but I also like cleanliness. I always keep my bathroom, kitchen and floors clean as my house is kind of the unofficial hang out place.

I’ve been friends with this girl R for 6 years. I see her about once a week and our dogs play together in my backyard as she lives in an apartment building. I’ve always noticed that she doesn’t have the same approach to hygiene as me, that’s ok, I don’t expect everyone to be on the same level as me. Her dog peed on my carpet a few times and she took a paper towel, soaked up the pee, and when I hand her some cleaning solution, she sprayed used the pee towel and rubs the carpet a little, 3 seconds. I am always going back over it after she leaves and I don’t really say anything. Fine. Accidents happen.

Shortly after we started hanging out a lot, I started noticing how the bottoms of her feet are FILTHY. Always. She is pretty introverted and housebound so I always wonder how her feet get so dirty. Black with dirty, grown out nails. Her clothes always smell a little like dog pee but only when we were close to each-other. It’s gotten worse and soon got to a point where I had to wipe down the chair she leaves. I feel bad, because I like her a lot. She’s a good person and we get along.

Then last week she invited me to her place for lunch for the first time. I felt like I had an idea of what to expect but HOLY SHT. I went over and I was left HORRIFIED. She’s not a hoarder but her stuff is a little strewn about tho nothing terrible. But, walking into her home I was hit with a dog pee odor so bad my eyes watered a little. Her bathroom was so disgusting that I had to hover when I went and the sink was gunked over with hair and toothpaste. The garbages were over flowing with dirty (smelly) sanitary napkins, the toilet looked like it had never been scrubbed. The floors (carpet mostly) were sticky. I honestly don’t even know how that happens. She was walking around barefoot so that explains the black feet. the couch we sat on had a blanket on it that was a little moist. When I asked about it, she said it was just a little dog pee but “she wiped it up”.

This is a 40 year old, not mentally ill or disabled, woman. I honestly could not believe it. I had to fake a work call to leave before we ate lunch because honestly I couldn’t eat there. Now she wants to do a re-do lunch at her place (it’s her turn to host she says,) and I can’t go over there again. I don’t know how to broach this with her because she doesn’t take criticism…at all. She’s told me about her mother visiting and refusing to sleep there so she got a hotel. I felt bad at the time when she told me because she was so upset and defensive of her hygiene in this story.

I want to keep the friendship but I don’t think I can even look at her the same way. I try not to judge but she doesn’t really have a real/medical reason to live this way. I need to find a way to decline the lunch invite and I feel like someone (me) should talk to her.

I try not to judge people but I’m so repulsed