I am so worried that this job may literally make me crazy.

I work at a charter in a state that doesn’t allow unions. I teach 6-8th grade theatre, which means I create and teach original curriculum for 8 distinct elective classes. Anytime there is assembly or concert, I’m responsible to make sure the microphones and lights are ready to go, frequently running them live (of course with little to no prior notice). I direct the school musical (coming up in 2 weeks, so I know part of how I’m feeling is due to that stress, but this has been ongoing on a larger scale for the past three years), which I do get a stipend for (but not enough). My school is a sinking ship (we’ve had 2 teachers walk out in the past few months alone) so I know it’s not a me problem, but my admin is really good at making me feel like it is a me problem. I started documenting everything I’ve been put through this year on top of an already impossible job at the best of times and it’s pages upon pages (including such experiences as having my wedding ring stolen to no consequence, sewage gasses leaking into my classroom for months, being repeatedly gaslit by admin who promise big and do seem to care but will always pander to the parent (especially if the parent works at the school and says the word “legal”), having students discuss/attempt taking pictures of my feet to sell online, emailing parents after being told to by admin only to be thrown under the bus when the parents don’t like what I have to say, etc etc etc). I’ve only been teaching for 5 years (27 years old) but I feel like I’ve aged 100 years in that time. Even just after typing most of this out over my lunch, I was called into a meeting where my expertise was essentially invalidated (I had a panic attack but writing this out helped, the the meeting happened and I feel like I’m right back where I started lol).

I have been actively looking for other jobs (and have also been in cosmetology school to open new and different doors, which I LOVE but have had to pause due to work) but I haven’t had any luck so far. I can’t afford to just up and quit or even take unpaid FMLA: we have to pay rent somehow. My husband has been searching for a better paying job with benefits to the same result. My mental and physical health deteriorates more and more each year: I’m in therapy, I’m on meds, I do the self care thing, the whole nine yards, but I am just not okay. I know the grass is always greener and no job will be “easy”, but there have been multiple days (today being the worst so far) that I really should have checked in somewhere for my safety but have to work instead. Sub plans for my unique classes are wayyyy more overwhelming to write than just to push myself aside and show up.

I can feel myself cracking and I know this isn’t sustainable, but I literally don’t know what else I can do. There are so many amazing things and it would break my heart to abandon these kids who have so much instability in their lives as it is. I do have fun sometimes and seeing kids discover and grow and perform is magical. I have a reputation for being really good with even the ”hard kids” and run my classroom with a combination of high expectations and lots of laughter. I wish these positive aspects were enough.

Anyone who isn’t a teacher (especially in the arts) just really doesn’t get it and their advice almost makes me feel worse. I’m not one for posting on Reddit but I really truly don’t know what else to do. I am not ok and don’t even have the space to be not ok.