Hope :)

Hope, in next universe I will not be a failure and I will make my parents proud. I will achieve success in my way with my knowledge.

Hope, next time I will be a better person who will take care of herself, focus on herself, won't get hurt by anyone's lame shameful joke.

Hope, in next life, I won't be this sensitive that someone's word will make me sad.
Hope, next time, I will not be writing these things .. I won't be dealing with mental exhaustion.

I am just tired. mentally emotionally drained, exhausted, devastated and the feeling of not getting placed anywhere makes it even worse. I never imagined that I would see myself like this.

No one appreciates me for anything. Most of time, either everyone ignores me or they just call me dumb. Have we really normalized that calling someone dumb is an intentional joke and anyone should be flexible enough to take it as a silly joke? OR it's just me who gets offended after being called as dumb. Maybe it's me :)

Maybe it's because no one ever called me intelligent, even with 90% marks. Maybe because I have always been told that I don't have brain. For these last few months, my parents did not even say that they have trust in me, not even a single time. Every time they forced me like I was running out of time or they were ashamed to tell people that I am still unemployed after graduation.

It is just tough to accept that other people praise me, they have trust in me but my parents don't.
I still remember, when I got my first haircut (That's my first haircut in a beauty salon in 22years of my life) , instead of praising my new haircut, they just blamed for wasting money. Even this time, when I bought my new specs with my money, no one from my family praised me. No one said that you look great. Rather they got offended that I spent a lot because I could have bought it cheaper.

I even bought my new phone with my scholarship money, still no support. They were sad that why I took installment rather than paying full at starting. They did not even ask me if I need help in money. I know they are also struggling but still am I really a bad kid.? Maybe yes. I am :)

I hope I just die soon :) I don't even feel like living anymore.

Everything made me insecure.. Earlier people used to body shame for being chubby, now the y do for being skinny and on the top of that, they will do judge me for being unemployed. Usually I don't give a fuck to them, but it's just a lot to handle by myself. Now they have a new topic "my career" to laugh at me on my back. I have been ignoring and ditching most of my family functions just because of their cheap, worst, narrow-minded thinking. I just can't take it, I feel left out even in a whole crowd of my relatives.

I have a very close function to attend, but I don't wanna go for obvious reason,, but my parents won't be convinced rather they are just trying to change my track to other career path. I mean why? Can't I just try for a few more months? I don't wanna give up ...

I am just tired.. I hope I could vent it out to a person directly.. but alas :)

There is no one to help me .. my 2 3 friends, they have proper faith in me that I can do anything, can achieve anything.. I just live for them .. they are the one for whom I am still fighting.. I don't know guys If I can do that.. but I really wanted to make all of your proud of me.. They know everything, they know my situation but I just don't open up to them directly cause they are already struggling ..

Am sorry my younger self, sorry for putting you down, sorry for my stupidity you are a failure now,, I am trying,, I won't give up.. just forgive me okay?

Getting heavier day by day, dealing with tears, heavy heart , panic attacks ..

Surviving, fighting..

AND -- Don't worry I am not gonna do anything crazy, cause of course I don't have courage to do :)

To them, who have read my full post without judging me ,, thank you so much :) You are a great person :)

I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANY HELP .. MY WHOLE TARGET IS TO VENTING OUT TO SOMEWHERE ..