i’m embarrassed by my own trauma response

I know there isn’t a “better” response to triggers, they’re all unfavourably in their own way but god sometimes i wish mine wasn’t so emasculating. Like most guys would throw things around, yell, and be aggressive when they’re triggered or upset. i know that’s bad but at least people don’t think they’re a bltch or something and can be confrontational. i hate how soft i am sometimes, because i grew up with both of my parents but my dad was a nightmare to be around.

i kinda wish he and my mom got divorced but my mom is the definition of a ”peace maker” and was so bent on being a family that he let that man abuse us. i won’t get into all of that but yeah i think her “gentle” nature influenced me too much. so now whenever i sense conflict or triggers i get the most emasculating fawning response ever and become a people pleaser. like it’s so embarrassing because it makes me feel like i can’t even stand on business when it comes to things that bother me. like i see my other male peers be aggressive and shut shit down when they’re mad/triggered and people don’t mess with them, but when it comes to me i will be feminine and try to appease people even if i hate it (and dislike them). the thing is my father was the aggressive type and i spent as much time around him as my mom but for some reason i never developed that aggression. like despite everything and what i endured as a teenager i still have a gentle spirit and idk how to feel about this.