am i (19m) my gf’s(20f) doormat?

my gf(20f) and myself(19m) have been together for a year and a half now, and i’m starting to come to the realization i may have let more than i should have slide and im not sure what to do. to preface, i have always been a pushover but ive been trying hard to change that, since my gf and i got together we have done like everything together and one of us sleeps over most nights, and this is my gf’s first relationship.

ok so now that that’s out of the way here we go.

i started to come to this realization when a few months back i noticed i am never invited to do things with her family and only ever involved when “necessary” like holidays or birthdays and whatnot but she’s completely involved with everything my family does and they just expect her there. the reason this hit me so hard is bc one of our biggest issues has always been how i feel about my relationship with her family, they don’t care to get to know me to my face, like they know nothing(in my opinion) important about me like what my future plans are, they don’t know much about my past, they don’t know much about my family, hell they don’t even know i am transgender(i pass very well, the people in my life that don’t know literally do not know lol). on the flip side, i know virtually everything there is to know about her family from their childhoods to what trips they have planned in the future so this hurts me a lot i can’t lie. that being said when i realized im only there essentially when my gf wants me there, it triggered something in me bc she’s ALWAYS THERE for the things happening in my life unless i tell her no to which she gets sad that i dont want her there so as you could imagine i almost never refuse unless im explicitly asked for her to not be there bc again everyone in my life knows we’re always together. so from then on ive been more observant of her words and actions and this is definitely where i fucked up lol bc when she i do call her out on something that i didn’t like she gets super defensive and says it’s either a joke or im reading too much into it and proceeds to get upset and give me attitude until she calms down. some things i’ve picked up on are: the comments she makes about how my family members act/treat me, comments on my friends about anything from something they told us(me and she was there) in confidence to how they act, comments toward me that i personally would never make toward her, etc. all of this really bothers me bc i am a very non-judgmental, friendly, and accepting person and i take a lot of pride in that, and what she says and does contradict my morals. a good example of this is the few backhanded comments she made about queer presenting people like “oh wow… thats a choice” or just making a face at me when she sees somebody flamboyant or whatever you wanna call it. now look im not stupid, i know what she’s getting at when she says that but it’s not something that needs to be said out loud and it’s not to be said at all, and not only does this go against my morals it totally fucks with my head bc how are you dating a trans man and actively being bigoted toward other queer or trans people??? that’s ridiculous, immature, and a slap in the face toward me. the more i genuinely take her words into account i start to feel very lied to about the person she is, like i feel like she portrayed the person she knew i desired in a relationship just to get with me and as time goes on im seeing her true colours and boy oh boy! anywho, without going into detail as it’s not my story to tell, she recently got into a situation with my sisters boyfriend(who lives in my house) where he made her feel extremely uncomfortable on multiple accounts to which i confronted him and brought it to my parent’s attention and it didn’t go well to say the least. my parents believe her and all that but my sister however does not so now he faces zero consequences and it’s just really awkward when they’re in the same room. i say all this bc it cause a huge strain on our relationship, she took it to heart when my parents didn’t do anything about it, and kinda blamed it on me without outright saying it even though i 1000% believe her and i personally do not treat him the same or have the respect i used to. so naturally it hit our relationship hard as she’s been having trouble mentally with the situation and i am there for her in every way and was treating her with kindness and compassion regardless of her attitude toward me. this all happened around our 1 year mark so after a few months of this weird dynamic we had sat her down for a conversation where we basically agreed that she needs to take this by the balls and deal with it head on in whatever way that may be, and that she would watch her attitude more because it doesn’t need to be directed at me(i brought that up in a respectful manner i promise). to which another conversation had to be had because i noticed zero changes. to then another conversation where we made a shared note in our phones that gave both of us some boundaries and rules to go off to hold ourselves accountable which in the moment felt awesome.

after a week had passed i noticed she wasn’t taking any of those into account, like spending more time apart(she literally just shows up at my house most days so i can’t tell her to stay home), taking steps towards finding a therapist(keeps blaming it on her mom not wanting to do the whole insurance process), spending more time at her house, etc. hell we even added a rule to workout everyday and eat cleaner which i was and she was not to which we are now both not doing either. i’ve been really pissed off about all this but i feel like a broken record so i just left it for a while(yes i know that’s stupid), but theeen about 3 weeks ago now we had a huge argument about a mutual friend of ours and how i do not and never have liked how he acts with her. he completely oversteps the boundaries of a girl with a boyfriend and his friends girlfriend and to top it off he has a history of home wrecking so it’s safe to say i don’t like their dynamic, that being said i do 110% trust my gf i don’t think she’s going to cheat on me let alone with him but i still don’t like it. anyways idk if it’s the way i brought it all up or if she’s really just that defensive, bc she was basically like i don’t get why you’re feeling like this ive done nothing so what’s the issue?? so i blew tf up and was like what if roles were reversed? to which she said i wouldn’t like it but it’s not like that im not attracted to him etc etc. (keep in mind this whole time she was so checked out of the conversation and i could clearly tell she didn’t care that much, at least that’s what it felt like) so i walked away and proceeded to get ready to walk home, and when she realized this she came running in, closed the door and was all the sudden ready to really talk it out and whatever but i flat out told her no, im done with this, i don’t want to keep having the same issue and you clearly don’t respect me so i need the night to myself. she eventually convinced me to stay and we talked it through, she apologized, whatever whatever. so after that she completely changed how she acted around him which i appreciated but he did not(that’s between him and i tho), and due to kind of unrelated reasons we stopped talking to him until last week i believe? he reached out to the both of us to apologize and it seemed sincere so(silly me!) we accepted and then ended up hanging out with him the following day, and then two more times after that, and guess what! their dynamic is the exact same again. he messages her asking to hangout with the both of us, even though we have a group chat, messages her for rides(i don’t have my own car but gf does), etc. but again i’m a doormat so i let it slide. but the other day gf decided to go on a walk and ended up straying too far from home so she didn’t feel like walking back and “just so happened” to be close to our friends house so she went over to chill out, but she did not tell me she was doing this, she didn’t tell me when she got there, she only told me after work to ask if i could pick her up from his house! yeah that pissed me right off but i didn’t say anything… also definitely worth mentioning i’ve been really supportive of her going to therapy(i myself go biweekly) and have honestly been pushing her to go find one since we have both been in agreement for months now that a good amount of our issues stem from her poor mental health, but again she says her mom won’t help her through it, to which i give her options bc i was in the same situation when i started but now my mom also attends therapy(yay!) but im starting to feel like she doesn’t fully care to go seek help.

my next issue and honestly my biggest, is the fact that she doesn’t tend to respect my boundaries and triggers. to start off light i have diagnosed OCD, and am very particular about myself and my stuff being clean, which she’ll “jokingly sit on my bed with outside clothes, or just throw her shit all over my room, not putting things away bc she “doesn’t know how i want it” i.e. not caring to get to know how i function after over a year together. but my biggest issue is our sex life. now this has always been an issue to a degree but putting that aside, my sex drive has decreased significantly since my fling before my current gf, that woman truly brought back my childhood trauma ten fold. so that being said im not in the mood nearly as often as gf is and when i turn her down she kinda cant take no for an answer. its not until i give in and let it happen, or til i get visibly upset and push her away but if i do that she starts her attitude with me, so its a lose lose situation tbh.

also definitely worth mentioning she’s been treating the people in my life with a good amount of attitude and disrespect i never expected out of her, and it’s really rubbing me the wrong way. i’ve also spoke to her about this and nothing has changed.

there’s a few more things i could add that i’ve spoke to her about and to no prevail but these imo are the most important to paint the picture. i share all this to ask, am i being a doormat letting this all happen?

sorry this was a long one folks but all the advice is appreciated!