how do I move past my partner SAing me a year ago? and how do I try to feel attracted to him again?

so maybe a year or so ago, an incident occurred where my partner of 2 years SA'd me, and we haven't had sex since. it wasn't anything violent, terrible or dramatic... but it hit me harder than it should've, because, at the start of our relationship I had told him all about my past sexual traumas and my triggers. he was the first person who ever made me feel safe, comfortable, and he always treated me with respect, in regards to sex. he would constantly reassure me that I can say no, and that it wouldn't upset him. he told me he's not like my past partners, and will never be. he was kind, soft, and very patient and understanding.

to preface this next bit, one of my triggers is bedtime, specifically partners trying to do stuff while I'm in bed trying to sleep, vulnerable and well... not wearing clothes. one night he got drunk, and I happened to be going to bed. he also crawled in bed to sleep, but as I was saying goodnight and trying to roll over, *it* happened. the shock, fear, and betrayal felt like something in me physically shattered. my perception of him was ruined, and to this day it still is. I can't see him the same anymore, even looking at him, I just... don't feel any attraction.

after the incident, I wanted nothing to do with any sexual activity. I already have a super low drive, due to years of mental illness and many SA incidents in my past (which he knows all about). at first, he was understanding and patient, he showed remorse and guilt. but as time went on, he started becoming increasingly upset with me and my reactions any time he'd try to initiate, or even when he would stare at me when I'm changing/showering. I kind of understand, it's been a year since anything has happened between us, so he's probably justified in being frustrated and upset with me. we've had many fights about it, and I WANT to be okay, I WANT to not be scared of him and I WANT to be attracted to him again. I don't know why I just can't.

even after a year, it still weighs heavy on me, and over time I'm less and less attracted to him. even when he goes to kiss me or hug me, I just feel disgust and I have brief flashbacks to that night. it sucks because, otherwise he's an okay partner. he's usually very respectful, and we have fun. we have a very good friendship, and we have a good day to day relationship. I just don't know how to fix this within myself.

sex is something incredibly important to him, and he has a high drive. I'm the complete opposite. I already have a slight aversion to anything sexual, and have a very low drive. I've always felt guilty about it since the start of our relationship, but lately I just feel completely useless as a partner now. every day I'm scared he will leave because of it... but another part of me is just angry. how dare he feel upset at me and my reactions to his initiations, when he's the one who shattered my heart that night?? who completely broke my trust, after I poured my heart out to him about my past trauma?? after him saying that he's not like my past partners, and that he will never be??

maybe I'm too dramatic, it did happen a year ago, after all. I just... this one hurt so much more than any other incident in my past, BECAUSE he claimed to be better, and at first showed me that he was in fact better. now I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for the ramblings and jumping through topics, typing this has made everything come back at once and i am very emotional. any advice helps. I'm almost at my breaking point.

I should add that I can't afford therapy, and we've had many talks and fights about this, it just never goes anywhere. so... this feels like one of my only options, to come to the internet for help lol