I hate being a parent and I think I hate my oldest

I think i just need to rant about everything shit in my life to get it off my chest so here goes.

I had my daughter at 19 and my son at 22. Both have different dad's who I don't particularly like and aren't all that helpful physically or financially. My mental health is horrific and i constantly wish i was dead.

My daughter just turned 4 and is honestly just an awful human. She spends most of the day crying for no reason, (e.g. if she is hungry or thirsty she will start crying and shouting for food/drink instead of just asking) or is having a full on tantrum, throwing herself/things around, kicking and hitting things or me. My son is 1 and obviously just a baby so isnt as bad but, as babies do, he cries quite a lot and screams at the top of his lungs just for attention. The two of them combined means i dont have a single second of quiet from they wake up until they go to sleep.

I got an autism diagnosis less than a year ago and both of their dads also were diagnosed as kids. This means I struggle to cope and also that both are likely to also be neurodivergent. I also have struggled with my mental health most of my life and have ptsd from childhood abuse. Looking back I never should have had kids, neither were planned and i was too young and stupid to know that it would ruin my life. I haven't been in school since early 2020 and tried to have a job late 2023 which I actually enjoyed, it was easy and fun and close to home and still only managed 2 months before i had a massive breakdown.

My daughters dad picks her up saturday and drops her to school monday morning and does pay weekly, which I can't complain too much about, both him and his family are awful at communicating tho and im pretty sure his mum hates me, they also cause issues when she goes to her brothers grandparents house who treat her just as another grandchild, even though we make sure is never interferes with his time with her.

My sons dad has been basically squatting in my house for months. Doesn't pay for his child or towards the house or the food and toiletries of mine that he constantly takes without asking. He also isnt very helpful with the house, leaving dirty clothes, rubbish and dishes lying around and not really helping to clean up which i already struggle to keep on top of. He just moved out of the house we used to rent together before I left because we hated living together and didn't even ask, just moved all his things here.

I have applied for an access to university course starting later this year, im hoping it helps to get out and do something for myself and meet people. I have no friends and barely leave the house outside of school runs and shopping. I also plan to go to my doctors about getting back on anti depressant/anxiety medication even tho i wasnt a fan of some side effects, it did help a bit when i was on them.

I dont really want any of this. I am so exhausted every second of every day. It feels like I'll just be miserable the rest of my life. I want to feel like a human and not just a parent. Obviously I love my kids and none of this is their fault and I do my best for them despite everything but I'm only 23 and no one really tells you how hard it actually is and will always be.