Divorced after a chaotic marriage and struggling to understand what happened and how to avoid repeating it

I’m (40m) recently divorced and trying to make sense of what I went through so I don’t repeat it. I’m also trying to learn how to cope and move forward.

In hindsight, there were red flags early in my marriage that I didn’t act on. My ex-wife had a lot of anxiety (germophobia, compulsive behaviors, etc.), and over time she became increasingly controlling and avoidant. She also had a very close, somewhat intense relationship with her family, specifically with her dad and mom (she was an only child), which seemed to influence her decisions a lot.

Around 2020 things escalated. She had what I can only describe as breakdown-type behavior (not sleeping, crying in the middle of the night, isolating herself), and the relationship became very unstable. I actually told her at one point I wanted a divorce, but didn’t follow through and stayed. Looking back, that feels like a major mistake.

In early 2025, she left suddenly, cut off contact, and never gave me a clear explanation. Prior to her leaving, when I pressed her about how she felt, she just said she was “happy and loved her life,” which didn’t line up with what I felt I experienced in the marriage. There were also some really strange situations involving her family (including a very serious allegation she mentioned about her dad that was never clarified), which added to the overall sense of instability.

Now I’m dating again, and I’m noticing I tend to:

- spot red flags early

- but sometimes second-guess myself or overanalyze

- feel empathy for women who seem anxious or struggling and want to “help”

I’ve already walked away from a couple early dating situations because something felt off, but I’m trying to calibrate:

My questions:

1. How do you distinguish between normal quirks/anxiety vs. deeper issues that are likely to become problems?

2. How quickly do you act on a “this doesn’t feel right” instinct without overreacting?

3. Has anyone else struggled with wanting to “fix” partners, and how did you break that pattern? (some call this “captain fix a 304”)

4. Is it realistic to expect clear explanations from someone like my ex, or is lack of closure just something you have to accept?

I’m doing well overall (career, life, etc.), but I want to make sure I’m making better decisions going forward.

Appreciate any perspective from people who’ve been through something similar.