i ruined everything between us because i refuse to trust anybody

she was the love of my life. the only person out of 17 ex's that actually made me feel something, someone who actually made me feel loved and who i loved with all my heart. everything was fine in our relationship. i mean not really, i kept having episodes and meltdowns over the slightest hints of her possibly leaving me or cheating or betraying me. i'm schizophrenic to put it simply, and i've been hurt at every part of my life by everyone i've met except her and one other person. but i found an account, which lined up almost exactly with every single part about her except the age being up by a year and the person using masc pronouns (my now ex is a trans femme). i had a meltdown, "confronted" them and lashed out because i thought i had found proof they were like the rest. the account wasn't theirs, and i only figured that out after hours after cutting contact. she kept saying it wasn't her, i refused to believe it because i don't want to trust, i don't want to be vulnerable, and i didn't want to be cheated on and betrayed again. so i pushed her away, eventually calmed down, asked if she wanted to relax today or if she needed comfort, and she requested a day of no contact. that was the end for me, it felt like i was being punished for being scared. so i just made some shitty 1 and a half paragraph message saying i'm not built for relationships, that its wrong for me and shit. all pussy shit to try and not own up to my actions, and i cut her off like a fucking idiot. i regret it so fucking much, but i'm scared to go back. i hurt her, i never wanted to hurt her and i would never want to but i did in an attempt to protect myself. i feel so fucking disgusted by myself for keeping us in this goddamn cycle.