Where do I start? Feeling so conflicted, I could use some thoughts. [Long]

Hi Everyone, I just feel like I need to write this down and get my thoughts straight and hear some of your thoughts. Sorry this is so long.

I was raised very religious. I had 2 older brothers, and we were all homeschooled and taught a very fundamentalist version of Christianity. Young earth, no evolution etc... I am not sure what exact denomination we were (some version of protestant), and we changed churches a few times due my parents having theological disagreements with the pastor/congregation.

As my family got older, in my teenage years, both my brothers and parents became less enthusiastic about religion. We started missing church service more and more often, less discussion of religion and Jesus at home, but still Christian. Looking back at this now, I think my mom was just burned out. Raising 3 kids, homeschooling, all 3 of us were in lots of sports, involved in church/sports volunteering and she definitely had the role of faith leader in our family. After having some social issues with her church community and the death of her parents, I think she was suffering from depression and my mom withdrew and started practicing Christianity in a more personal way, and become completely uninvolved in the church. My brothers, who were moved out at this time, and my dad also no longer attended church.

So during my teenage and early 20s, I continued to attend church without my family, but with my girlfriend. We were part of bible study groups, went on a couple missions, involved in youth groups etc... We ended up getting married at 20, and moved away together to attend college. Over the next ~5 years, I really struggled with Christianity. This was kind of the height of the 'new atheist' movement, and I felt like every day I struggled to make a coherent world view between my fundamental religious background, my scientific education at college, and a ton of 'new to me' philosophy/Christian criticism that I read online. My oldest brother, who I intensely look up to, had also abandoned Christianity at this time and was now a staunch atheist.

At 25 my wife was pregnant and I felt a very intense pressure. "How will I raise my children? What will I teach them? I have to decide now". When my wife was about 8 months pregnant, I remember praying constantly, crying out and asking for direction and help, and honestly I felt nothing. My wife and I talked about our faith a lot and she was also on a very similar path. Just before our first child was born we decided together that we would not raise our children Christian, and would instead try to be as honest to ourselves and to them as we can.

Over the next 10-15 years things were pretty good, my wife and I still have a wonderful marriage and our kids are happy and healthy. I felt like had a world view that worked and knew how to raise my children and maintain a healthy marriage. During Covid, my middle brother and Dad both become fiercely religious again, in a very fundamentalist, conspiratorial way. Demons everywhere, vaccines were mark of the beast, end of the world imminent, everything secular was evil, everything was an evil conspiracy, everyone going to hell etc... This honestly just further made me feel like I made the right decision.

Well about 3 years ago, my oldest brother went through a really dark point in his life. During this time he rediscovered his faith, which absolutely shocked me, he is now catholic and attends Mass with his family every Sunday and is quite involved in the community. He is constantly reading and educating himself and challenging himself with philosophy, debate, theology etc...

This is really hard for me. Like I said, my entire life I have intensely looked up to my oldest brother. He is by the far the most intelligent, successful, thoughtful person I have ever met, and I extremely value his opinion. Our entire life we have always had very deep conversations together on belief, faith, science, philosophy etc.. but I found since his renewed religious faith, we just weren't on the same page and didn't communicate like we used it. In some ways our relationship became a bit more shallow, we focused on our family, hobbies, vacation and work but always struggled to have any conversations deeper than that.

Well this brings us to last week. My family and I was visiting my oldest brother and his family for easter weekend, and he asked if would attend mass with them easter morning. I said yes, as I still appreciate the cultural aspects of Christianity and thought it would be a good cultural experience for my children.

That evening, and the following days after mass, my brother I must have spent hours late into the night discussing everything. He has this light in his eyes and intensity for life that was missing, especially during those dark times for him. Our conversations have deeply challenged me, and have made me very uncomfortable.

I feel like I am 25 again, and struggling to make a coherent world view. My mind feels like a storm of conflicting thoughts.

"You are a fool, be honest with your self, you being blinded by your love for your brother"

"I have failed my children, they don't know Jesus and they aren't baptized"

"You have failed your wife, she has no interest in Christianity, this will drive a wedge between you"

"You are sheep and can't defend your own world view and simply follow your brother"

"I miss that feeling of hope and love, something greater than my self"

"How can you reconcile the problem of evil? Stop being stupid"

"You know atheism leads to nihislm and ruin, you know there is a better way"

"How can my brother believe in something like Transubstantiation? He is blind to reality"

"This is Gods love you feel"

"You are pretending this is Gods love because you want it to be"

and on and on and on. I don't know what to do. I even prayed the other day, I haven't prayed in over 10 years.

If I am honest, I am still very skeptical of Christianity, especially the fundamentalist side of it. But at the same time, I don't want to ignore this feeling, and I don't want to fail my Children. I feel like I need to at least pursue this uncertainty. Without getting to into the weeds of theology and philosophy, I feel like I can get halfway to Christianity, but struggle with the details. I also struggle with faith, especially seeing the path my dad and middle brother have gone down with blind faith.

I would love to hear any thoughts, words of wisdom, similar stories, or book/podcast/video reccomendations.

Thanks.